Classifieds from the Far Side

Discussion in 'General Rugby Union' started by Bullitt, Dec 9, 2009.

  1. Bullitt

    Bullitt Guest,25883,1...5757964,00.html

    It's a little fact amongst rugby fans, but most of the world's recruitment officers, Directors and Rugby and top coaches do their shopping in the News from the Far Side's classifieds section.

    Fear not fans of real rugby news! The NFS team will never leave you in the dark. So here, exclusive to NFS and open to the public for the first time, is a sneak peak at what's for sale on Rugby's black market.

    For sale:

    Kicking-tee: Made in Australia. Only used in one game. Not ideal for use in Scotland. Yours for a steal. Call Matt. + 61 2 9-8 9-8 9-8

    Winger: Super 14 franchise seeks to sell Fijian winger. Big, strong and lightning fast. Can't really kick or catch. Can tackle on occasion, but often high. Is a nice guy but his name is too difficult to spell. Call Rassie +27 21 88 14 14 00

    Fly-half: Test number ten for sale. Has international pedigree (his father is a legend). Big and strong but gets injured just thinking about rugby. Been known to wear pink. Erratic place kicker. Call Guy N. + 33 5 10 10 10

    Tracking devices: Lost your winger? Preseason training about to start and can't find him? You need a "Caucau-locator." Ideal for use in the South Pacific. Instruction manuals in French and English. +679 14 11 14 11 14

    Festival tickets: International centre has music festival tickets for sale - or will swap for lift to training in Swansea (I'd drive myself but I haven't been for so long I can't remember where the field is). Call Gavin + 44 1792 12 12 12

    Team bus: Get yourself out of town at the speed of a wasp (especially in the rain). Used V12 bus on Sale in Stockport. Call Tony H. + 44 20 1867-2009

    Services offered:

    Anthem singer: Need to add a little spice to your national anthem? Do you agree that singing in tune is overrated? Ya mahn, we is da group for you! R. Dumisani +27 31 555 1515

    Head Coach: Coach with no club or Super 14 experience but proven track record at international level seeks Head Coach post. Experienced in finger pointing in books. Only interested in top international teams. Can win World Cups (but don't expect too many tries). No meddling politicians administrators please. Won't select short loose forwards or so-called 'fetchers.' Already have assistant (my mate Eddie). Call Jake +27 11 0861 555

    Rehab centre: New counseling centre now open! Got lots of time on your hands and need someone to talk to? Conveniently located in Bath. Great sporty atmosphere, "it's OK everyone's doing it!" Call Justin + 44 02 555 00 00


    Director of Rugby: Top English club seeks new Director of Rugby. No jesters please. Experience in theatre an added advantage. Call Quinton + 44 20 1870-2009

    Doctor/Physio: Top English club seeks new Doctor/Physio. No jesters please. Must be able to think on feet and improvise. Experience in make-up and/or special effects an added advantage. Call Quinton + 44 20 1870-2009

    Back-line: International rugby team needs quality back-line to put pack's domination to good use. Imports welcome. Call Mr. Nico Malletchini + 39 6 6-20 10-32 24-6

    Top English club seeks specialist wet weather groundsman. Qualifications in rapid field drainage a necessity. Experience in wasp handling a bonus. Must be a good salesman. Call Kingsley + 44 161 88 77 66

    Security guard: Test team seeks security specialist. We've had a spate of burglaries in our hotel rooms and can't work out who is doing it! Call Robbie + 61 2 20-20 9-8 12-33

    International relations specialist: International organisation seeks international relations specialist for mediation between warring press corps. Must be fluent in Irish and Afrikaans. Call Bernard L. + 353 1 15-10 15-10 15-10

    Moustache trimmer: Test team seeks moustache trimmer to take charge of management grooming. Experience in speech therapy and/or bible study / tutus / donkeys /mechanics an added bonus. Call Andy M. + 27 2 911 911
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