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Dear Alcohol



Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden
inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex's when I know
for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all
hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale
bbq chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few
cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you
went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire
day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin
B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on
the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in
no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
6. Fight? No way. Let's sit down and talk this out
7. Text message? No I have sent enough for the night
8. Dance? No I shouldn't I should just sit here in the barstool
Dear Mite

I completely understand the way you feel. However I would also like to point out a few things that have bothered me about our association in the past:

1- Why do you **** me off so much? Literally **** me off. Now, don`t get me wrong buddy, I enjoy taking the **** as much as the next bloke, but why do you insist on removing me from your system by going to the urinal/street corner/ kitchen sink? Do you think that it`s fun being cleared through your renal system?

2- All those things you put into your stomach when you get the 3am munchies, have to share space with me. Imagine sharing your bed with that motley crue that you just described earlier? Oh yeah, quite possibly you know what that feels like- after puking, you do also regularly share your bed with said contents. It`s not much fun, is it?

3- Friends never blame friends for the things that go wrong in their lives. Yet I`ve been blamed for losing people their jobs, their careers, their houses, their wives and their driver`s licences. Fortunately you have not gone this far, but I`m just giving a friendly warning.

A couple of points in my defence:

1- I really enjoy all forms of music- so please do not blame me if I like the fact that you sing after imbibing me.

2- You are no oil-painting yourself. So what if you find a bone-ugly chick next to you in bed the following morning. One day, I will make it up to you by getting an Angelina Jolie lookalike into bed with you. And then please don`t blame me if you remember nowt of it.

3- Concerning movement- can I help it if I am just a sucker for practical jokes? What, you never put cherry-bombs in the scholl loo, or put down whoopie cushions for your best mates, when you were in grade scholl? So please do not judge me for my practical sense of humour.

4- Consider this- I always make the perfect gift to any one of your mates. Heck, even business associates appreciates me a sign of mutual respect come Christmas time.

5- If it wasn`t for me, what the heck else would you spend your hard-earned December bonus on- food, clothing or saving up to buy a property? How utterly boring.

6- I`m the friend that can ALWAYS surprise you, put a smile on your face, make your problems seem smaller. And I remain, to this day, the best cure for any hangover. So forget all of those precautions, and simply indulge in some more good times should said hangover occur.

Yours sincerely
Your best friend

Note- please forward this to at least 2573 people on your mail box. If you do not, the next hangover will be worse, and you`ll continue to find bone-ugly 50-year-old women in your bed after a good night out.

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