Man the f- up!

Discussion in 'The Clubhouse Bar' started by Bullitt, Jan 7, 2010.

  1. Bullitt

    Bullitt Guest

    In 25 steps;

    1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

    2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON'
    - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

    3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

    4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

    5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and- as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

    6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

    7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

    8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

    9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

    10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

    11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful and dangerous than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

    12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

    13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

    14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

    15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

    16, WINKING
    - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

    17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

    18,TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

    19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

    20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

    21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

    22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

    23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH
    - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

    24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that sayst hat's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized ****.

    25, CALLING YOUR MATE A c*** - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".
     
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  3. Steve-o

    Steve-o Guest

    Number 7 is freakin classic :lol:
     
  4. RC

    RC Guest

    Not gonna lie, i feel manly when i do a number 4!
     
  5. cyRil

    cyRil Guest

    2 and 6 are highest on my list I think.
     
  6. MunsterMan

    MunsterMan Guest

    23 is a classic too. :lol:
     
  7. RC

    RC Guest

    Fair play, 2 and 23 are a couple of big hitters.
    Never nodded at a copper though.
    Don't see the point.
     
  8. shtove

    shtove Guest

    26. Adjusting the driver's seat after a woman has parked your car and thinking, It's true - I do lack sensitivity, but at least I'm not a f***ing hunchback. Vroooom!
     
  9. gingergenius

    gingergenius Guest

    I must be a man. I've done all of them except take 200 squid from the hole in the wall. Oh, and the parking bit cos I've never been behind the wheel of a car. I can park my ped ok...

    So true about the phonecalls and the newspaper.
     
  10. candybum

    candybum Guest

    Is it manly to hire a plumber? :S
     
  11. Bullitt

    Bullitt Guest

    Yes... Because you stand with him drinking tea and offering advice while he's doing his job!
     
  12. gingergenius

    gingergenius Guest

    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Bullitt @ Jan 8 2010, 01:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    That's because they're so unreliable you have to see them work with your own eyes to make sure there actually there and not 'on another job'. Here's why builders will never make superheroes.
     
  13. Laetca

    Laetca Guest

    Seriously? If I do any of the things on that list, does it means I'm less of a girl or just that that list is just a bunch of macho bulshit? Just out of curiosity, what would the response be if there were more women on here?
    I sometimes do the first, pretend to be struggling with a jar just to pass it over to a guy. It sometimes takes so little to make you feel good about yourselves XD

    Now excuse me while I listen to the Spice girls singing the praise of girl power.
     
  14. feicarsinn

    feicarsinn Guest

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  15. Laetca

    Laetca Guest

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