Official Announcement by the UK

Discussion in 'The Clubhouse Bar' started by getofmeland, Apr 3, 2008.

  1. getofmeland

    getofmeland Guest

    A Message from John Cleese:

    To the citizens of the United States of America :

    In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for

    President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give

    notice of the revocation of your independence, effective


    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical

    duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except

    Kansas , which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for

    America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether


    of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the

    following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You

    will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

    'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

    skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by

    the suffix -ise.

    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary

    to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler


    such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient

    form of communication.

    There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on

    your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take

    account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

    You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

    lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

    therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

    Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough


    sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a

    therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry


    more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required


    you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is

    for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will


    what we mean.

    8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you


    start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same

    time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the

    benefit of conversion tables.

    Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the

    British sense of humour.

    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have

    been calling gasoline)-roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

    fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling

    potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,

    fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not

    actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will


    referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted

    provenance will be referred to as Lager.

    South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound

    the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the

    beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did

    for them.

    /12./ Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English


    as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English


    to play English characters.

    Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings

    and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed

    with a cheese grater.

    13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one

    kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave

    enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some

    similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping


    a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour


    a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis

    will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

    14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable

    to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not

    played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that

    there is a world beyond your borders your error is understandable.

    You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans

    first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her

    Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the

    acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never

    mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries

    in season.

    God save the Queen.

    Only He can.

    John Cleese

  2. Forum Ad Advertisement

  3. Jer1cho

    Jer1cho Guest

  4. Ripper

    Ripper Guest

  5. shtove

    shtove Guest

    Cleese decides to "kick some bottom". Again.
Enjoyed this thread? Register to post your reply - click here!

Share This Page