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The Clubhouse Bar
Dear Alcohol
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<blockquote data-quote="Bullitt" data-source="post: 101001"><p><span style="font-size: 10px">Dear Alcohol,</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px"></span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px"></span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex's when I know</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">hours of the night?</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px"></span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">bbq chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">went too far this time.</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px"></span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">door key into the lock</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px"></span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">no way interfere with my daily activities.</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px"></span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px"></span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership.</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px"></span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">Thank you,</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">Your biggest fan</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px"></span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px"></span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px"></span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">2. Nope, no more beer for me.</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">6. Fight? No way. Let's sit down and talk this out</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">7. Text message? No I have sent enough for the night</span></p><p> <span style="font-size: 10px">8. Dance? No I shouldn't I should just sit here in the barstool</span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Bullitt, post: 101001"] [SIZE=2]Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex's when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale bbq chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing 6. Fight? No way. Let's sit down and talk this out 7. Text message? No I have sent enough for the night 8. Dance? No I shouldn't I should just sit here in the barstool[/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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