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Madden Letter



This supposedly is a letter from Ethan Albright a linemen on the Washington Redskins. I doubt he wrote this, but it is still funny anyway

o: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is f***ing bullshit and you should kiss my mother-f***ing ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a f***ing 12. I rate you a f***ing 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly **** and **** myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. f***, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me†Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of **** teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. f***, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). f*** me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a f***ing lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass f***wad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

f*** you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you f*** with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,
Yeah, it's from phatphree - great site - check out the sports section.

I like's Rex Grossmans Fathers letter to him better though...

Hi son, it's your father, Mr. Grossman. I am sorry to be doing this over snail mail, but I don't have access to the intraweb right now, and to be quite honest, I don’t think I could phone you without calling you names I’m 13% sure I’d regret. Sound harsh? Wait, it gets better.

In case you haven’t already gathered, I’m upset. Check that. I’m God damn furious. My God Rex, I'd feel more confident in the Bears with Uncle Rico under center, at least he can throw a pig skin a quarter mile.

What the hell happened son? Where did it all go wrong? Remember after Buffalo in week 5, how everyone was on your balls about you finally turning the corner, and how you were going to lead the Bears to the promise land? Remember that? You were on fire, throwing 10 touchdowns and only 3 picks, and people were using your name in the same sentence as McNabb, Manning and Brady. Now those same guys are discussing what you and Ryan Leaf will be naming your chain of restaurants when you eventually get cut in the off-season.

Oh what a difference a month makes huh Rextholomew? Since that Buffalo game you've completely imploded, throwing only 8 touchdowns compared to 14 picks; you’ve also had four games in which your QB rating was less than 37 â€" 10.2 (Cardinals), 36.8 (Dolphins), 23.6 (Patriots), and most recently a whopping 1.3 (Vikings). Is that even possible? A 1.3? That's Bradshaw's college GPA not a quarterback rating. I didn't think QB ratings could fall below 60, but hey, at least it wasn't my son who made this stat known to the average fan right? Oh wait...

(I'm giving you the middle finger right now)

I mean seriously Rex, if someone had told me that a quarterback had a rating of a 1.3, I’d think they were lying, either that or the QB had Downs. Remember in the movie King Pin when people used the word "Munson’d" in order to describe someone who sucks at life? Well starting tomorrow I'm using the word "Rex'd" to describe the same f***ing thing.

Holy Christ Rex, a 1.3? How is that even possible? I’d like to talk about something else, anything else, but I can’t get my head around today’s performance, and how God awful you were/have been. In case you don't get the paper, here is your line - 6 for 19 for 34 yards and 3 interceptions. You threw 50% of your passes to the other f***ing team! WTF? Please tell me you were drunk. At least then I’d be able to tell the guys at the lodge that my son was too hammered to play because he was up the night before having unprotected sex with strippers and doing Irish Car Bombs with Ditka. Please Rex give me that.

And don't think for a second you're alone in this chasm of ****; your play is also affecting your mother. She has to wear a catchers mask every time she leaves the house. We've had more bags of **** thrown at our door in the past month and a half than the entire collection of teen movies from the 80's. And don’t even get me started on what your "game" has done to our sex life. I mean I can’t even look at that thing anymore knowing that your inaccurate little paws came out of there. I'm a sexual mess Rex. I haven't had an erection since week 10, and I'm back to masturbating to old pictures of Sigourney Weaver sans Ghostbusters! Why don’t you do us both a favor and go join your buddy Jesse in the booth... hell, sell Scions, rap, do something, anything other than play QB.

The worst part about this whole f***ing fiasco is the fact that the Bears had the best shot out of anyone in the past fifteen years at going undefeated. They are hands down the best team in the entire league (not taking into consideration QB's of course), but they’ll be bounced from the playoffs faster than a black guy in a horror movie because of you. Bears fans only hope is that Lovie grows a pair and inserts Griese or Orton in there. Christ, I’d take that shaky QB from Friday Night Lights right about now. Anything’s better than you son Rex. Anything!

I'd like to write more, but I must go now. Good luck next week against St. Louis. I can only hope that the most difficult challenge you face is how to get the phrase "you suck *****!" off your locker.

With much angst and embarrassment,

Your Father

PS - Please don’t come home over Christmas... and you still owe me $23 from that Bickford’s breakfast last week... and you have a fat face.[/b]
Lol, that's a quality letter...even if i've never heard of the bloke. You really do wish that it was real , because i often wonder how guys react when they play rugby games (etc) and see themselves really badly or rated as a star player.
I mean do you reckon Carter being such a down-to-earth person is really cocky as hell on computer games with his mates?
"I'm new zealand coz I PLAY FOR NEW ZEALAND! Haha! Look at me, i've got a freaking star above me! ...what's that? Oh, sure i'll wait for you nobodies to create a rugby profile of yourself..."

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