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Make me Laugh, TRF
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<blockquote data-quote="Nick_Thepom" data-source="post: 327667" data-attributes="member: 42725"><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">A man comes home from work, sits down in his favourite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She's puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyway.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">The guy quickly downs the beer and says, "Quick, bring me another cold one. It's about to start." His wife huffs a little but still gets him another beer.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">"One more before it starts!" the husband yells out after finishing off the second can.</span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">"That's it!" his wife screams. "I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long. Then you waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, and expect me to run around like your slave! If you think that's how it works, you've got another thing coming!"</span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">"Damn," mutters the husband. "It started."</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">- - - - - - -</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">A judge tells the defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."</span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">From the public gallery, a voice yells "You *******!"</span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">"You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with the same said hammer," says the judge.</span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">"The scumbag!" the same person yells.</span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom." Sir, one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt."</span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">"I'm sorry, Your Honour," says the man. "But I've lived next door to this bloke for fifteen years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." </span></span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">- - - - - - -</span></span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><div style="text-align: left">An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">appears.</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">and another, etc.....</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">in dare den?'</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'</div></span></span></span></span></span></p><div style="text-align: left"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman</div><p>'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'</span></span></span></span></span></p><p> <span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">- - - - - - -</span></span></span></span></span></p><p> <span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. </span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few feet, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'">To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.' 'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"><span style="color: #070707"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana'"></span></span></span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nick_Thepom, post: 327667, member: 42725"] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]A man comes home from work, sits down in his favourite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.” She’s puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyway. The guy quickly downs the beer and says, “Quick, bring me another cold one. It’s about to start.” His wife huffs a little but still gets him another beer. “One more before it starts!” the husband yells out after finishing off the second can. “That’s it!” his wife screams. “I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long. Then you waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, and expect me to run around like your slave! If you think that’s how it works, you’ve got another thing coming!” “Damn,” mutters the husband. “It started.”[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]- - - - - - -[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=#070707][FONT=Tahoma]A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” From the public gallery, a voice yells “You *******!” “You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with the same said hammer,” says the judge. “The scumbag!” the same person yells. The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.” Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.” “I’m sorry, Your Honour,” says the man. “But I’ve lived next door to this bloke for fifteen years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.” [/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=#070707][FONT=Tahoma][/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=#070707][FONT=Tahoma]- - - - - - -[/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=#070707][FONT=Tahoma][/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=#070707][FONT=Tahoma][FONT=Verdana][LEFT]An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... 'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'. So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. 'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.' Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears. 'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?' 'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?' The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.' 'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman[/LEFT] 'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..' - - - - - - - Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few feet, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.' 'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy' [/FONT][/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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