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Teh Mite

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TRF Legend
Feb 16, 2005
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World cup fixtures for this week...Monday, Portugal meet North Korea in Cape Town. Tuesday, Mexico meet Uraguay in Johannesburg. Wednesday, England meet France in the airport.


The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.


A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well, why are you all dressed up like a Fireman?


Brendan Venter, manager of a lowly London and South-east rugby club took his team on an African safari holiday, and while there, he came across a native athlete who could run, kick, pass, and juggle a coconut like a born rugby player.

Excitedly, the manager called a meeting of all the players and introduced the young athlete to them. 'This fellow's brilliant!' he said, 'and I've persuaded him to join the team, on six months' trial. His name is Obongo Matabulu. Now then,' he continued, holding up a rugby ball, 'this - ball -BALL!'Then, pointing at the goalposts, he said, 'That-goal - GOAL! That - goal line - GOAL LINE! You put BALL over GOAL LINE: or kick BALL over CROSSBAR.'

'You don't need to explain the game in those simple and rather patronising terms, old boy,' said Obongo Matabulu. 'I played for Harrow when I went to school there, and later for the Cambridge University.'
'I'm not talking to you,' said the manager. 'I'm talking to the rest of the team!


Little Justin Marshall joined a big northern club and found himself dwarfed by the big 200-pounders.
Nobody seemed to pay any attention to him and he began to wonder whether he was being deliberately snubbed. He approached the captain and told him of his troubles.

The captain patted him on the shoulder and said, 'Don't worry about it, son. They're not giving you the cold shoulder. They just haven't seen you yet.'


The Ronan O'Gara was in the pub one night when he noticed the landlord's dog behind the bar counter, contentedly licking its balls. He laughed and said to the landlord, 'I wish I could do that!'
'Well,' said the landlord, 'give him a biscuit and he might let you.'


Gareth Thomas & Gavin Henson were taking a holiday together with their respective wives. After a week at the seaside they were both thoroughly bored.
In the bar one night they decided to exchange partners in order to see if they could liven up the holiday. The following morning at breakfast they compared notes.
'I'm glad we tried that,' said one. 'I had a smashing time! Ah, here come the girls. Let's ask them how they got on.'


Two guys from Invercargill die and wake up in hell.​
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in swannies, mittens and balaclavas warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"​
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Invercargill, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just Happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in swannies, mittens and balaclavas​
The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Invercargill, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."​
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Invercargill and finds them in "T" shirts, footie shorts and jandals drinking a speights and cooking a "barbie"​
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Southlanders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather down there in Invercargill so we've just got to have a cook-up when the weather's THIS nice."​
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.​
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Southlanders. He gets there and finds them back in their swannies, mittens and balaclavas. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!​
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Southlanders look at the devil in surprise,​
"Well, don't you know? If hell freezes over, it must mean that Southland has won the N.P.C rugby

so, i had a day dream. and it gave me a boner.

that is all.
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Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said England's performance on Saturday was completely appalling. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years
What do you get when you cross a Lampard shot with a disallowed goal?

50 million England fans unable to accept that they lost 4-1 not 4-2.


I was at my local train station when I saw a sign that said 'Wake Up To Rape'.

.. And that, Your Honour, is why I thought rape had become legalised.


Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

'Cos FIFA said it didn't.
a motor cyclist runs over a woman on his bike...whos fault is this the drivers or the womans...

the driver what the hell was he doing in the kitchen
My mate drowned in a half-empty bathtub yesterday… and he was normally so optimistic.
Last week I told my wife that men age like fine wine. The next day she locked me in the wine cellar
3 women are bragging about their children. The first one says: "I'm so proud of my son. He's a surgeon and he has a massive Jaguar parked out front."
The second one says:"I'm so proud of my son. He's a lawyer and he has a wonderful red Ferrari parked out front."
The third woman says:"I'm so proud of my daughter. The one day there's a white Jaguar parked out front, the other day a red Ferrari."
Little Johnny has to help his grandma with a superpository (a pill to insert in your butt) because she has very short arms. His grandma explains that she will take of her pants, bends over and then little Johnny just has to insert the pill. When little Johnny is looking where to put it, he is unsure what to do and asks:"Grandma, where do I put it? That rusty hole or in the turkey's mouth?"
The club president, coach, a prop and a wing are taking a charter flight to the National Finals when the engines cut out. "
The pilot enters the passenger compartment and says, "We're going down. There's only four parachutes! Since I'm the pilot I'm taking one," and then jumps from the plane.
The coach says, "Without me the team won't have a chance, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out.
The winger says, "I'm the fastest and smartest man on the pitch and without me the team can't win a game, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out of the plane.
The club president looks at the prop and says, "You take the last parachute. The team needs you more than it needs me". The prop responds, "We both can take a parachute. The smartest man on the pitch just jumped out of the plane with my kit bag on his back."
The club president, coach, a prop and a wing are taking a charter flight to the National Finals when the engines cut out. "
The pilot enters the passenger compartment and says, "We're going down. There's only four parachutes! Since I'm the pilot I'm taking one," and then jumps from the plane.
The coach says, "Without me the team won't have a chance, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out. >>
The winger says, "I'm the fastest and smartest man on the pitch and without me the team can't win a game, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out of the plane.
The club president looks at the prop and says, "You take the last parachute. The team needs you more than it needs me". The prop responds, "We both can take a parachute. The smartest man on the pitch just jumped out of the plane with my kit bag on his back."
Warning, bad taste/offensive jokes. Mods please edit the post if some jokes are no-no.

If you are faint hearted or dont like sexist and racist jokes please don't read.

- On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Australian men and one Australian woman
Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are talking about football, while the American woman keeps on *****ing about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but hey, at least the taxes are low and it's not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting further instructions.

The two Australian men beat each into a bloody mess for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both wankers'.

Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but at least the English are not getting any.

- "Doctor! I think my wife is dead."
"How can you tell?"
"Well, the sex is still the same but the dishes are piling up."

- I hear jeremy beadle has a small dick, but on the other hand, its quite big...

- Jeremy beadle and his wife were playing cards, his wife looks over and says 'thats a **** hand you've got there jeremy'

- I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

- An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.

"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don't know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"
The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk"

- A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

- A guy is out on the lash with his mates and gets very ******. By the time he staggers home he's covered in puke and to make things worse, his wife is waiting for him to give him a bollocking. "You do this again" she says, "and I want a divorce"

The next week he's out again with his mates, but is avoiding the booze. One of his mates asks why, so he explains what happened when he got home after the last night out.

His mate has a tried and trusted idea: "When it happens again, make sure you have twenty quid in your shirt pocket so you can tell your wife that someone else puked on you and put the money in there for the dry cleaning!"

Armed with this brilliant suggestion, he proceeds to get completely bolloxed.

Some hours later he falls through the front door, again, covered in puke.

His wife freaks. He slurs, "It wasn't me! A guy puked on me! He gave me twenty quid for the cleaning, check my pocket!"

His wife looks in his shirt pocket and says, "There's forty quid here."

"Yeah" The guy replies, "that's from another bloke who shat in my pants"

- I just don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick...... but no **** says anything about Stephen Hawking being **** at football, do they?!

Got to give credit where it's due though - he's great at dribbling.

- My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.

- A man gets a phone call from a local hospital, informing him that his wife has been in a terrible car accident and that he should get down to the hospital right away.

The man rushes down to the hospital in a panic. When he gets there, he finds the doctor and inquires as to the condition of his wife.

"I'm afraid I have very bad news", says the Dr., and the man's heart lumps in his throat.

"Your wife suffered terrible injuries, and has been completely paralyzed from the neck down," continues the Dr., and the man starts to cry.

The Dr. continues, "She won't be able to do anything by herself anymore. You will have to feed her for every meal." The man is completely choked up.

"She can't use the bathroom, and will pee into a catheter and **** into a colostomy bag, and you will have to clean her up and wipe her ass." The man is hysterical and inconsolable.

"Because she is stuck to a bed, you will have to turn her body every couple of hours so she doesn't get bed sores which can lead to further complications". The man falls to the floor in hysterics, unable to catch a breath from his sobbing.

After the man gathers himself a little and is able to stand up, the Dr. says: "Hey, I'm just ******* with you, she's dead."

- Homeopathy scientists say that their medicine works because water has a 'memory'.

That's scared me because I've done some nasty things in the shower.

- The doctor told me "you've got to stop masturbating." When I asked why, he said "because I'm trying to examine you."

- During a blazing row with my youngest son, he turned to me and screamed, "I wish I was adopted".

Well, its taken six months and a lot of paperwork, but finally I've managed to make his wish come true.

- As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

- This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

- Some bloke at a bus stop earlier hit me on the legs with a stick for no reason.

Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living **** out of him.

Just for good measure, I kicked his Labrador as well.

- My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination.

I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination."

That showed her.

- My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave."

I said, "You pack them."

- The other day, I asked my wife: "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

She replied: "You have the biggest cock out of all your mates "

- I feel the same way about turtles as I do Asian people.

If they aren't ninjas, I'm not interested.

- I have been collecting the 2010 world cup stickers.

I've completed every team except for Japan & Korea where I keep getting the same players over again.

-My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said, "Alright, fatty."

- Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.
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Sorry, but i'm not enough fluent with English for properly translating a French joke. :(

This is one of my all time fav film and actor. :)

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A man walks into a pub with a crocodile, he asks the barman "do you serve New Zealanders here?" The barman replies "Yes we do." the man says "Right... I'll have a beer and my croc will have a New Zealander.
A man comes home from work, sits down in his favourite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She's puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyway.

The guy quickly downs the beer and says, "Quick, bring me another cold one. It's about to start." His wife huffs a little but still gets him another beer.

"One more before it starts!" the husband yells out after finishing off the second can.

"That's it!" his wife screams. "I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long. Then you waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, and expect me to run around like your slave! If you think that's how it works, you've got another thing coming!"

"Damn," mutters the husband. "It started."

- - - - - - -

A judge tells the defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

From the public gallery, a voice yells "You *******!"

"You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with the same said hammer," says the judge.

"The scumbag!" the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom." Sir, one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt."

"I'm sorry, Your Honour," says the man. "But I've lived next door to this bloke for fifteen years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

- - - - - - -

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note
'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'
'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another
and another, etc.....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was
in dare den?'
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman​
'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

- - - - - - -

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few feet, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.' 'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'

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