World cup fixtures for this week...Monday, Portugal meet North Korea in Cape Town. Tuesday, Mexico meet Uraguay in Johannesburg. Wednesday, England meet France in the airport.
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The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well, why are you all dressed up like a Fireman?
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Brendan Venter, manager of a lowly London and South-east rugby club took his team on an African safari holiday, and while there, he came across a native athlete who could run, kick, pass, and juggle a coconut like a born rugby player.
Excitedly, the manager called a meeting of all the players and introduced the young athlete to them. 'This fellow's brilliant!' he said, 'and I've persuaded him to join the team, on six months' trial. His name is Obongo Matabulu. Now then,' he continued, holding up a rugby ball, 'this - ball -BALL!'Then, pointing at the goalposts, he said, 'That-goal - GOAL! That - goal line - GOAL LINE! You put BALL over GOAL LINE: or kick BALL over CROSSBAR.'
'You don't need to explain the game in those simple and rather patronising terms, old boy,' said Obongo Matabulu. 'I played for Harrow when I went to school there, and later for the Cambridge University.'
'I'm not talking to you,' said the manager. 'I'm talking to the rest of the team!
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Little Justin Marshall joined a big northern club and found himself dwarfed by the big 200-pounders.
Nobody seemed to pay any attention to him and he began to wonder whether he was being deliberately snubbed. He approached the captain and told him of his troubles.
The captain patted him on the shoulder and said, 'Don't worry about it, son. They're not giving you the cold shoulder. They just haven't seen you yet.'
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The Ronan O'Gara was in the pub one night when he noticed the landlord's dog behind the bar counter, contentedly licking its balls. He laughed and said to the landlord, 'I wish I could do that!'
'Well,' said the landlord, 'give him a biscuit and he might let you.'
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Gareth Thomas & Gavin Henson were taking a holiday together with their respective wives. After a week at the seaside they were both thoroughly bored.
In the bar one night they decided to exchange partners in order to see if they could liven up the holiday. The following morning at breakfast they compared notes.
'I'm glad we tried that,' said one. 'I had a smashing time! Ah, here come the girls. Let's ask them how they got on.'
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The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well, why are you all dressed up like a Fireman?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brendan Venter, manager of a lowly London and South-east rugby club took his team on an African safari holiday, and while there, he came across a native athlete who could run, kick, pass, and juggle a coconut like a born rugby player.
Excitedly, the manager called a meeting of all the players and introduced the young athlete to them. 'This fellow's brilliant!' he said, 'and I've persuaded him to join the team, on six months' trial. His name is Obongo Matabulu. Now then,' he continued, holding up a rugby ball, 'this - ball -BALL!'Then, pointing at the goalposts, he said, 'That-goal - GOAL! That - goal line - GOAL LINE! You put BALL over GOAL LINE: or kick BALL over CROSSBAR.'
'You don't need to explain the game in those simple and rather patronising terms, old boy,' said Obongo Matabulu. 'I played for Harrow when I went to school there, and later for the Cambridge University.'
'I'm not talking to you,' said the manager. 'I'm talking to the rest of the team!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Justin Marshall joined a big northern club and found himself dwarfed by the big 200-pounders.
Nobody seemed to pay any attention to him and he began to wonder whether he was being deliberately snubbed. He approached the captain and told him of his troubles.
The captain patted him on the shoulder and said, 'Don't worry about it, son. They're not giving you the cold shoulder. They just haven't seen you yet.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Ronan O'Gara was in the pub one night when he noticed the landlord's dog behind the bar counter, contentedly licking its balls. He laughed and said to the landlord, 'I wish I could do that!'
'Well,' said the landlord, 'give him a biscuit and he might let you.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gareth Thomas & Gavin Henson were taking a holiday together with their respective wives. After a week at the seaside they were both thoroughly bored.
In the bar one night they decided to exchange partners in order to see if they could liven up the holiday. The following morning at breakfast they compared notes.
'I'm glad we tried that,' said one. 'I had a smashing time! Ah, here come the girls. Let's ask them how they got on.'
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Two guys from Invercargill die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in swannies, mittens and balaclavas warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Invercargill, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just Happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in swannies, mittens and balaclavas
The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Invercargill, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Invercargill and finds them in "T" shirts, footie shorts and jandals drinking a speights and cooking a "barbie"
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Southlanders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather down there in Invercargill so we've just got to have a cook-up when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Southlanders. He gets there and finds them back in their swannies, mittens and balaclavas. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Southlanders look at the devil in surprise,
"Well, don't you know? If hell freezes over, it must mean that Southland has won the N.P.C rugby
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