Menu
Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
Latest activity
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles and first posts only
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Help Support The Rugby Forum :
Forums
Other Stuff
The Clubhouse Bar
Story for English
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="RC" data-source="post: 134997"><p>A couple of things:</p><p></p><p> - I don't think you should use the word "blazed" for English. It's slang and it could be perceived as laziness by your teacher.</p><p></p><p> - I didn't understand the similie in the second paragraph, "...accompanied by the morning rays of light filtering through the pines, like ribbons being cut by my bike and I."</p><p>I'm not sure if it's because of misuse of punctuation, but i'm not entirely sure what you're getting at.</p><p>For a similie you're making a comparison. I think you've compared the light filtering through to that of ribbons, but you need to compare you and your bike to something also.</p><p>Maybe something like, "However i was warmed by the thought of riding my bike, cutting my way through the morning rays of light filtering through the pines, like a ribbon lecerated at the hands of a pair of scissors."</p><p>Terrible example i know, but in the similie it's the comparison between you (and your bike) and the rays of light, which you need to establish further.</p><p></p><p>- From a readers point of view i would like to have heard more in regards to the moral of the story.</p><p>Did seeing this horrible sight make you stop your morning cycle? I just felt you cut the descriptions of the awful imagery a bit short.</p><p></p><p>- Also, the use of the word "sauntered" lends the reader the thought that as soon as you turned your back you couldn't care less about what was behind you anymore.</p><p>To saunter is to stroll away, giving people the perception that you've not a care in the world.</p><p>Maybe it was the wrong verb to use in this situation. Try finding one that would more suitably sum up your emotions upon discovering such a sight.</p><p></p><p>Other than those points (on which i nit-picked) it was a nice short-story.</p><p></p><p>You made me picture dawn, with a picturesque setting, you made me see it as a world away from where your everyday ramblings go on.</p><p>I liked it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="RC, post: 134997"] A couple of things: - I don't think you should use the word "blazed" for English. It's slang and it could be perceived as laziness by your teacher. - I didn't understand the similie in the second paragraph, "...accompanied by the morning rays of light filtering through the pines, like ribbons being cut by my bike and I." I'm not sure if it's because of misuse of punctuation, but i'm not entirely sure what you're getting at. For a similie you're making a comparison. I think you've compared the light filtering through to that of ribbons, but you need to compare you and your bike to something also. Maybe something like, "However i was warmed by the thought of riding my bike, cutting my way through the morning rays of light filtering through the pines, like a ribbon lecerated at the hands of a pair of scissors." Terrible example i know, but in the similie it's the comparison between you (and your bike) and the rays of light, which you need to establish further. - From a readers point of view i would like to have heard more in regards to the moral of the story. Did seeing this horrible sight make you stop your morning cycle? I just felt you cut the descriptions of the awful imagery a bit short. - Also, the use of the word "sauntered" lends the reader the thought that as soon as you turned your back you couldn't care less about what was behind you anymore. To saunter is to stroll away, giving people the perception that you've not a care in the world. Maybe it was the wrong verb to use in this situation. Try finding one that would more suitably sum up your emotions upon discovering such a sight. Other than those points (on which i nit-picked) it was a nice short-story. You made me picture dawn, with a picturesque setting, you made me see it as a world away from where your everyday ramblings go on. I liked it. [/QUOTE]
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Other Stuff
The Clubhouse Bar
Story for English
Top