Story for English

Discussion in 'The Clubhouse Bar' started by melon, Aug 5, 2007.

  1. melon

    melon Guest

    I just thought I'd share with you my short story for our major focus topic/area of study, journey. Please comment on it and let me know where I can improve.

    It was cold and still dark. A typical 5:30am start. However I was warmed by the thought of riding through the forestry accompanied by the morning rays of light filtering through the pines, like ribbons being cut by my bike and I.

    Off I went, only 6km to the start of the track. Whilst riding I decided to incorporate a new section of track to my usual loop. I had only ever blazed its trail once before and recall it being beautiful - gunning down the side of a hill along single track, weaving in and around trees like a serpent and all of a sudden coming into a clearing fit for a movie and being confronted by a cacophony of sound assaulting my ears, but in a soothing way. To the left was a meadow of green grass, sitting as if it were carpet, to the right a body of water too big for a pond yet too small for a dam and straight through this picturesque setting ran the track and disappeared into the abyss that was the forest on the other side of the clearing. A menagerie of animals had been present the last time I was there: A mob of kangaroos grazing upon the grass; several ducks swimming along the surface of the water and a murder of crows as black as the night, yet also had a hint of majesty about them, surveying the area.

    I was now there, ready to challenge the track that beckoned. Down the track, around the trees, up the hills and across the rocks I went, dodging the slapping branches and taming menacing ruts. This is what mountain biking is all about I thought to myself - man and machine tackling nature head on in an enjoyable battle. On I continued and in what seemed to be no time at all, I was on track that was familiar with the clearing I had been waiting for. Soon I'd be there.

    Out into the clearing I came, the image meeting my eyes was alien. This wasn't what I remembered. I don't remember seeing a burnt out car on the once green carpet surrounded by beer bottles and fast food wrappers. I don't remember an old drier, baskets and old moth bitten clothes dotting the edge of the water! I don't remember any of this! Who would do such a thing? How could someone destroy something so beautiful?

    I turned my back, the image too difficult to bear, hopped on my bike and sauntered off into the forest, cutting a sullen figure amongst the dwarfing pines, disillusioned by what I had just seen. The reality of a degenerating society begun to dawn upon me.

     
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  3. RC

    RC Guest

    A couple of things:

    - I don't think you should use the word "blazed" for English. It's slang and it could be perceived as laziness by your teacher.

    - I didn't understand the similie in the second paragraph, "...accompanied by the morning rays of light filtering through the pines, like ribbons being cut by my bike and I."
    I'm not sure if it's because of misuse of punctuation, but i'm not entirely sure what you're getting at.
    For a similie you're making a comparison. I think you've compared the light filtering through to that of ribbons, but you need to compare you and your bike to something also.
    Maybe something like, "However i was warmed by the thought of riding my bike, cutting my way through the morning rays of light filtering through the pines, like a ribbon lecerated at the hands of a pair of scissors."
    Terrible example i know, but in the similie it's the comparison between you (and your bike) and the rays of light, which you need to establish further.

    - From a readers point of view i would like to have heard more in regards to the moral of the story.
    Did seeing this horrible sight make you stop your morning cycle? I just felt you cut the descriptions of the awful imagery a bit short.

    - Also, the use of the word "sauntered" lends the reader the thought that as soon as you turned your back you couldn't care less about what was behind you anymore.
    To saunter is to stroll away, giving people the perception that you've not a care in the world.
    Maybe it was the wrong verb to use in this situation. Try finding one that would more suitably sum up your emotions upon discovering such a sight.

    Other than those points (on which i nit-picked) it was a nice short-story.

    You made me picture dawn, with a picturesque setting, you made me see it as a world away from where your everyday ramblings go on.
    I liked it.
     
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