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</div>Dear Regan

It is with much regret that I must accept your offers of 12, 16, 17, 25 and 30 April, 1 - 6, 10, 15 -20 and 31 May, everyday in June, and all of July except for the 16th (when you were attending a Youth Day Rally with the Watsons), to resign. I really did try to stick it out, but these are the reasons why I have no alternative but to finally accept:

In May I selected a squad of 45. You added Luke Watson. I could live with that. After the England Test we won 58-10, I trimmed the side down to 30. You added 8 more. Because these 8 were at least part of the original squad (and thanks for agreeing on the Chris Jones issue - yes he did throw the season's best pass to Bryan Habana, but he DEFINITELY was playing for England) I could even live with that. But things from then to now have just gotten out of hand. "Trimming" a squad, sir, means that the numbers go DOWN ..... not UP!!!!

I mean, passing slips of paper around Parliament for members to write down any names of players they want to go to the World Cup is just ridiculous. Out of the list you sent me via the Sports Minister's brother, 12 of those players retired more than 5 years ago, 3 play cricket, one is a woman, 2 are Samoans, and one died in 1981. Also, Trevor Manuel may play for the Parliamentary team, but I REALLY don't need to check if he played "the odd" Super 12 game, as you suggested .... trust me! Of the other 112, the members for Witbank, Dullstroom and Machadodorp submitted the entire Pumas squad. Their argument that they had just beaten Ireland was unfounded, and yet when I tried to point out to you, and them, that they were mixing up the Argentinian Pumas with our most pathetic Currie Cup side of all time, I was branded a "dinosaur of old South Africa provincialism".

This is not just a go at ANC members by the way ..... I also thought that the DA's Dianne Kohler-Barnard's suggestion of playing Marius Roberts because he has a "nice bum" and played a little bit of centre for Jeppe anyway (it was actually Pirates but never mind) was stupid (but in the spirit of reconciliation, you made me put him in anyway). And the FF+ insisting that Robbie Wessels doing the Leeuloop as a legitimate move with Wynand Olivier against the All Blacks would be our secret weapon ..... well ...... do me a favour!!! (At least you scotched that one, although giving the thumbs up to their other suggestion, Errol Tobias was somewhat of a surprise). And what the hell was I supposed to do with 13 of King Goodwill's sons (IFP submission I assume????)

But I could even live with that! As could I the embarrassment, of a World Cup squad announcement that lasted 2 hours on Supersport the other night. It was all good and well having to read out 163 names that were on the list already .... But when you invite members of the viewing audience to phone in, quote their ANC membership number and add a player of their choice, well that's just ridiculous!

Tomorrow I would have boarded the specially chartered 747 (yes, it was nice of British Airways to give our squad our very own Jumbo at short notice) with 278 Springbok players and management, 93% of whom I've never even heard of, let alone even met. And to add insult to injury, you slip in Hanyane Shimange as a late inclusion (9 hookers????) because the jumpseat on the plane wasn't taken?????? Even if we DID need 9 hookers (that argument about the Samoans eating frontrowers was a bit far fetched don't you think?) don't you think it would have been decent to at least reinstate John Smit?

The final straw was Butane Khompela's insistence that Ge Korsten be sent along as part of my back up team, so that he could sing "Liefling" live whenever Derrick kicked a successful goal. (This despite my insistence that Hougaard wasn't part of my match plans anyway.) When I informed Mr Khompela that Mr Korsten had in fact, passed away some time ago, he suggested that I "call his son Arno from the Springbok Nude Girls" and bring him along instead as, in his words: "I am sure his Dad taught him to sing that song as a young boy anyway". I tried to tell him, via you, sir, there was no relation between the two whatsoever, and that the singer's name was actually Carstens, not Korsten. What did you do? You drop Deon Carstens because his "brother" is involved in a transvestite rock band!!!!

So, yes, when I suggested to Mr Khompela that he needn't remove my passport from up his ass, but could leave it there, that definitely DOES constitute my resignation.

I wish you and the new coach, Cheeky, all the best in France. (Just as well he happened to be at the airport anyway, hey?).

And please tell Mr Khompela that he needn't have the passport cleaned and sent back .... I've applied for a new one, and should get it just in time to be coaching France or England in the 2011 World Cup.


PS You can stop that forensic investigation into my family tree now. Bob Skinstad is definitely NOT my nephew, or son.

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