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Song writing

M

Mr. Laxative

Guest
Guys,

As you may well be aware I have a small band - and we are surprisingly good (seriously, no bias ;) )

Anyway, Over the past week or so, I've really been working hard getting some decent lyrics together for some songs. I aim to release a "digital EP" in the near future firstly on MySpace and depending on demand maybe elsewhere, as well. Despite my great efforts, I'm stuck for a few ideas and I want my options vast so that we can record a number of songs - some that we don't release. Now, I suppose what I'm getting to here is a little competition I want to get running. This is of course a rugby forum and I may be better served on a music forum, but I figure we've got some musical characters on here so here goes: GIVE US YOUR SONGS!!

Basically, post up you lyrics and if you want a link to your own sample recording. I will come to a decision and short list the four best songs as seen by me and then put them in a poll. It will be up to other members to decide which writer gets their song recorded by The Lams, and a possible future partnership with the group.

Of course those that don't win can use this as an opportunity for us (the members) to recognise their work - and remember CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is more than welcome.

Guidelines:
1. One song can be produced per member per post.
2. Each member can only have one of their songs in the top four - so don't complain if you get two great songs posted up and only one is chosen to go further.
3. Be aware that The Lams use mostly vocals, acoustic guitar and some piano and drums/percussion. It may be a good idea to show which musical instruments are used in the piece - particularly if a recording is provided.
4. The name of the "Album" or "EP" will be Unfinished Picture so you may want to try to stick to a particular theme.
5. Be creative!!!


To give you an idea for what I'm looking for I have posted a song of mine below:


The Saint and the Sinner - The Lams

The saint and the sinner,
The saint and the sinner;
He was here with a woman,
He was a good guy,
She was there with a man,
She as a bad girl,
They were here with each other,
They were alright people – oh, oh,
The saint and the sinner
The saint and the sinner;

The girl met the guy,
They weren’t great together,
But she was the saint
And he was the sinner
The saint and the sinner,
The saint and the sinner;

The guy met the girl,
They didn’t like each other,
And he was the saint,
But she was the sinner,
The saint and the sinner,
The saint and the sinner;

They left that night,
Not a goodbye was spoken,
The saint took the high road,
The sinner took the low,
They were the saint and the sinner,
Yes, the saint and the sinner;

He was a football player,
And she was a singer.
They were many world apart,
And in ’05,
They caught sight of another one,
The saint and the sinner,
The saint and the sinner;


But these didn’t work,
They didn’t work at all.
She was Australian
And he was Armenian,
He was Australian
And she was American.
So, they left those ones,
And they were the saint and the sinner,
The saint and the sinner;

And just last month,
They were at a twenty-first – yeah, yeah,
On either side of the room.
And they looked at each other,
And they knew,
They’d be alright together
They’d be right for one another,
The saint and the sinner,
The saint and the sinner;

Oh, I am the saint,
And she is the sinner,
She is the saint,
And I am the sinner,
The saint and the sinner
And we’re right for each other,
Yeah, just right for each other.
[/b]

Enjoy!! :D

Mr. Laxative

Lead singer of The Lams
 
M

MonoTurd

Guest
any information about the kind of music your "band" plays?

like is it a boy band? or a christian easy-listening band? or an african-american church gospel group?

and by the way, that song you wrote sucked

She was there with a man,
She as a bad girl,
They were here with each other,
They were alright people – oh, oh,
[/b]

thats just poor writing
 
S

SaintsFan_Webby

Guest
WTF is that song even about?

Most songs usually have some sort of point or message - that just has poor lyrics about Armenians.

:huh:
 
N

nehno2

Guest
huh the lams are o .T. p(on the ****) lol

u musta written them lyrics wen u where out of it a man!!
 
E

..::ERIC::..

Guest
Hmm I really don't like those lyrics. I'm not going to pretend I can do better but yeah I don't think I could listen to a song with those lyrics.
 
G

Goth Power

Guest
Funny you should mention song wrighting as me and the missus are currently putting together some lyrics for a song in remembrance of her recently departed mother.

It might sound depressing but it shall not be that bad. Featuring a light guitar tone, a slow drum beat, and perhaps piano in there too.

She has the voice of an angel so maybe you'l get to hear it if we record.

When they are completed maybe I'l post them maybe I wont.
 
U

umosay

Guest
Laxative... to put it bluntly - that song f'n sucks! lol!

14 is a bit young to pretend to start a band.
 
R

riders of the storm

Guest
Yeah, those lyrics aren't too good. I'll try and be supportive because I'm also in a band. What kind of genre is it? Because alot of Hard Rock songs are written with very simple lyrics. Try not to say the title of the song in every verse, it sounds annoying and is kind of an overkill. If you're going to say the title of the song, say it in the chorus and have both the verses and chorus separated (make them very different and distinctive from each other). Also, consider the meaning of the song before you write it, is it about death? Is it about love? Is it about being 'Back In Black' :p? Writing a song about life experiences helps too. Anyway, best of luck to you and your band :)
 
M

Mr. Laxative

Guest
Cheers, buddy.

Yeah looking back on it - it does suck. It sounds pretty decent but the lyrics yeah. I chucked it together pretty qucikly and didn't give it much thought. We've bascially been doing covers of songs and giving it our sound, but I wanted to get aheadwith the writing part. It is a more up beat song. And neh, yeah I did wirte it when I wasn't thinking to well. :(

Our genre: well, it's light rock with a blues/jazz sort of feel.

Having looked bck pn this first song and realising, how **** it is just proves how much help I need. So, anyway those that want to show of your songs and we can make a fairly in depth discussion (with CONSTRUCTIVE criticism).

Anyway I've had another go at a song and I'm really happy with this one - particular thanks to Riders of the Storm for his criticisms - they've been a great help. This song is the title track for the EP, but as yet is unfinished. I have taken my time with this one and I am getting there. This is more of a ballad in contrast to the first try:

Unfinished Picture

I woke up this morning,
And I looked around,
At the beautiful day, that was here.
The sky was blue, not a cloud in sight,
The sun shining very bright,
But there was I, lying in the gutter
The world had disposed of me.

On the ground next to me,
Was a bottle of grog,
That I shouldn’t have touched last night,
And then I took one look at myself;
That little cracked mirror showed a broken man.
I had one purple eye, dust on my right cheek
And my left arm was limp and weak,
I think I was bashed yesterday evening and
Probably left for dead.

The standers-by looked at me,
Kicked me hard, spat on me.
They took my phone, my music and my wallet
And gave a packet of fags for keeps.
I was disgraced
– I’d been chewed up and spat out –
And I couldn’t see a way out of this.
How did I get here? I was so incomplete,
And then you showed up, to tend to my feet.
And I said, “Just paint me full…â€

Refrain:
Well, I’m an unfinished picture; I’m in a tight spot
But if you could stay with me
I’d love you forever and ever and ever,
If you could comfort me.
And just paint picture of me – and paint me full –
And I’d dance with you
‘Till my bones hurt through,
And I’d love every minute of it.
Just get me out of this mess,
I’m an unused tool; I’m incomplete
- Finish that picture of me -
Oh, and paint it full,
Just, paint it full
[/b]

So, tell us what you think, and post up your own - if you want!
 
S

SaintsFan_Webby

Guest
Still makes very little sense.

Why would a random girl (assuming it is a girl) paint or have anything to do with some guy lying on the floor. Yes, I understand that it's probably metaphorical, but the metaphor makes no sense.

The second verse doesn't work at all. After reading the first I actually held some hope, but then it goes downhill.

"I had one purple eye, dust on my right cheek
And my left arm was limp and weak,
I think I was bashed yesterday evening and
Probably left for dead."

This bit is where it goes particularly wrong - the last two lines actually made me cringe.

Go and read some poetry - Wilde, Byron etc - and then take a look at some light rock and punk type lyrics (The Ramones, Snow Patrol, Keane etc). See what they do with words and then try and imitate it.

Having first established what you want the lyrics to actually convey of course.
 
M

Mr. Laxative

Guest
Here's a better less "cringeier" version: What do you think?

I woke up this morning,
And I looked around,
At the beautiful day, that was here.
The sky was blue, not a cloud in sight,
The sun shining very bright,
But there was I, lying in the gutter
The world had disposed of me.

On the ground next to me,
Was a bottle of grog,
That I shouldn’t have touched last night,
And then I took one look at myself;
That little cracked mirror showed a broken man.
I had two drooping eyes; they were bloodshot as well.
My hair was thin and my body was weary,
It was so weak.

And I continued to think about this world
And slowly a tear crept down my dusty cheek,
I’d been left out in the cold,
A shirt on and some dirty, ripped jeans
I had little money to spend.
And the passers-by on their bikes,
And in their cars they looked at me, they laughed at me,
They spat on me, they kicked me hard, and they humiliated me;
They took my phone, my guitar and my wallet
And gave a packet of fags for keeps.

And now I was trapped here
– stuck on this one-way street.
How did I get here?
I’d chewed up and spat out
And I needed some serious help.
I was so incomplete and then you showed up,
To tend to my feet,
You lifted me up, gave me power inside
And I knew you were right,
Just right for me.
Then I said, “Paint me full…â€

Refrain:
Well, I’m an unfinished picture; I’m in a tight spot
But if you could stay with me
I’d love you forever and ever and ever,
If you could comfort me.
And just paint picture of me – and paint me full –
And I’d dance with you
‘Till my bones hurt through,
And I’d love every minute of it.
Just get me out of this mess,
I’m an unused tool; I’m incomplete
- Finish that picture of me -
Oh, and paint it full,
Just, paint it full
[/b]
 
S

SaintsFan_Webby

Guest
I still don't understand how the idea of painting in the title and chorus links in with any of the verses.
 
M

MonoTurd

Guest
I dont understand the whole "paint me" metaphor.

I do, however, like the "That little cracked mirror showed a broken man." line but thats probably all i like about the song
 
K

kaftka

Guest
f*** what everyone else said. The Saint and the Sinner sounds like a brilliant song. No bull it is really really really good. Like an Ed Wood film.
 
M

Mr. Laxative

Guest
Cough *** Cough! Kaftka mate - good to see you back. Good to see you like the song as well! No bull right?

Anyway - I've finished the other song, but have now changed the title to 'So Incomplete'. Please don't draw connections with the Backstreet Boys. Also, I have removed the painting metaphor, but left the 'unfinished picture' as a simile.

I am in the process of typing it up, right now and will show it very soon!! I'm quite happy with this one, even if it is a little long....... about 5 minutes!
 
S

SaintsFan_Webby

Guest
f*** what everyone else said. The Saint and the Sinner sounds like a brilliant song. No bull it is really really really good. Like an Ed Wood film.
[/b]

:lol2tn:

:bravo:
 
M

Mr. Laxative

Guest
Thanks lora! Many people do! B) :bana:

Anyway, here is my finished work:

So Incomplete

I woke up this morning and I looked around, at the beautiful day that was here.
The sky was blue, not a cloud in sight, the sun shining very bright,
But there was I lying in the gutter – the world had disposed of me.
On the ground next to me was a bottle of grog that I shouldn’t have touched last night.
Then I took one look at myself; that little, cracked mirror showed a broken man:

I had two drooping eyes – they were bloodshot as well.
My hair was thin and my body was weary, my left arm was limp and weak.
As I continued to think about my world a tear crept slowly down my dusty cheek:
I’d been left out in the cold; a shirt on with some ragged, ripped jeans,
And I had little money to spend.

The passers-by on their bikes and in their fancy cars –
They looked at me, laughed at me, spat on me,
They kicked me hard they humiliated me. I’d been disgraced…
They took my phone, my guitar and my wallet and gave me a packet of fags for keeps.

I’d been chewed up and spat out, and now I was stuck here –
Trapped on this one-way street.
I was just about drained; I was shattered at best. (No) I was not complete,
But then you showed up to tend to my feet.
Oh, you lifted me up, gave me power inside and I knew you were right, just right for me.
Then I said:

“Well, like an unfinished picture, I’m so incomplete, but if you could stay with me,
I’d love you forever and ever and ever, if you could comfort me.
I’d dance with you till my bones hurt through and I’d love every minute of it.
Just get me out of this mess. I’m an unused tool.
Like an unfinished picture; I am incomplete.


I went to sleep last night in a king sized, single and I was comfortable.
The night was quiet I was cleaned and well shaved and I probably looked just right
And there you were lying in the bed next to mine.
You’d given me a shower, a feed as well and a decent place to sleep.
Then you took one look at me and I glanced back at you, and we were perfect,
If just for that night.

You had long hair – a brunette as well – your face was full,
And your eyes were shining like a pair of beautiful stars.
As I continued to think about my world a smile spread quickly across my clean face:
I’d been brought into the warmth, a mug of hot chocolate and a marshmallow or two.
And it just didn’t matter that I had no money to spend, because you were there for me.

It looked like you loved me and I loved you back.
Now I felt full and I told you: “Like a finished picture I am complete. Yes, so complete!â€
It really didn’t seem like we’d ever fall apart. We were right for each other,
And we danced together, ‘till our bones hurt through.

(Instrumental)

Well, I woke up next morning. ‘Twas a beautiful day, but there was no beauty to see.
The sky just seemed grey to me. And the tears were falling from above.
Yes there was I, sitting on your front step; you had disposed of me.
On the ground next to me was a little backpack that had my stuff inside.
Then I took one look at myself; that small, dirty mirror showed a shattered man.

I had one purple eye, dust on my right cheek and I had a limp; I was weak.
We had a fight yesterday evening and you were a bitch for that time:
You looked at me, screamed at me, kicked me hard and slapped me.
You chucked me my phone my iPod and my wallet –
And you gave back that packet of fags for keeps.

I’d been chewed up and spat out, onto the street.
You probably wished I was dead.
How did I get here? I was so incomplete,
And no one showed up to tend to my feet…

Like an unfinished picture, I’m so incomplete. You didn’t stay with me.
I said, “I’d love you forever and ever and ever,†but you couldn’t comfort me.
I didn’t dance with you ‘till my bones hurt through – I hated every minute of it.
Now I’m back in this mess and I’m a once used tool.
Like an unfinished picture, I’m incomplete all over again.

[/b]
 
S

SaintsFan_Webby

Guest
Doesn't sound like it's going to be catchy somehow. Including complex sentences in a song probably isn't the best thing to do. It reads more like a poem than anything - you need to take breaths in the middle of lines.
 

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