Jokes

Discussion in 'The Clubhouse Bar' started by ak47, Jun 1, 2006.

  1. ak47

    ak47 Guest

    For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
    father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
    $280,000 & your mother just lost her job.

    There's no way we can afford it. The next day the father saw little
    Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son,
    where are you going?"

    Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard
    you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
    because she was coming too.

    And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000
    mortgage & no bike!"

    :lol: :lol:
     
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  3. QKXV

    QKXV Guest

    :bravo:

    Corporate Lesson 1:
    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
    shower, when the doorbell rings.

    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
    Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
    in front of Bob.

    After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

    "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

    "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
    me?"

    Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position
    to prevent avoidable exposure.


    Corporate Lesson 2:
    A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

    The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
    stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

    The priest removed his hand.
    But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

    The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

    The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

    Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

    It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

    Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
    miss a great opportunity.


    Corporate Lesson 3:
    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
    lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

    They rub it and a Genie comes out.

    The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

    "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.

    "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
    world." ****! She's gone.

    "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
    relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
    Pina Coladas and the love of my life." ****! He's gone.

    "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

    The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

    Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

    Corporate Lesson 4:

    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

    A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
    long?"

    The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

    A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
    very high up.


    Corporate Lesson 5:

    A turkey was chatting with a bull.

    "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the
    turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

    "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
    packed with nutrients."

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
    strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

    Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of
    the tree.

    Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

    Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep
    you there
     
  4. some very good jokes up there!
     
  5. dobrien7

    dobrien7 Guest

  6. whats better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics?

    not being a retard

    ---

    A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Gilligan, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert isle. They live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do…..After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.
    She felt having sex with both Gilligan and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself.
    It was very tragic but both Gilligan and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course……….
    Well,a couple more years went by and Gilligan and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.










    So they buried her
     
  7. Black|Raven

    Black|Raven Guest

    "Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"
    "A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife.
    The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a cow."
     
  8. i appologise in advance, and i dont mean anything buy it but its horribly funny.


    whats the diffrence between a maori and a park bench?

    a park bench can hold up a family.


    (really sorry)
     
  9. jinxed_nz

    jinxed_nz Guest

    HAHAHAHA i had to laugh at that! better then some of the jokes ive heard lately
     
  10. 187

    187 Guest

    nah your not...






    haha nah that was a good one.. got any samoan ones?
     
  11. what do you call a samoan going down a waterslide?
    sewage.
     
  12. Black|Raven

    Black|Raven Guest

    A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"

    Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies... "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
     
  13. getofmeland

    getofmeland Guest

    A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
     
  14. neck

    neck Guest

    what do samons do after sex???

    5% eat
    3% fall a sleep
    2% have a shower


    and 90% flee the scene of the crime
     
  15. MonoTurd

    MonoTurd Guest

    lol very nice Beaker!
    im lovin' the avatar
     
  16. neck

    neck Guest

    hells yeah hears another

    how many jews can you fit in a car?
    2 in the front
    3 in the the back
    and 20 in the ash tary

    sorry if anyone is offended
     
  17. hey.....
    i'm a jew!
























































    HELL NO!!
    n whts with the sudden surge of invercargill boys??? :eek:
     
  18. C A Iversen

    C A Iversen Guest

    dobrien and I have been talking about the rugby forum to people from our club Waikiwi and they've been joining up slowly.

    It's possibly more popular here than in any town in the world?
     
  19. MonoTurd

    MonoTurd Guest

    and friends of people that play for Waikiwi...like myself
     
  20. kaftka

    kaftka Guest

    Close call with Northampton I reckon.


    ....Although, in terms of population, Waipukurau has the most members.
     
  21. neck

    neck Guest

    prehaps there should be some sort of competistion????
    of which city/club is best repersented in this forum
     
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