Bring out Your Jokes!

Discussion in 'The Clubhouse Bar' started by O'Rothlain, Apr 9, 2009.

  1. O'Rothlain

    O'Rothlain Guest

    An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Cork, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

    An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

    Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

    The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

    Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart.This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

    The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know, the two beers and all" The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
     
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  3. Jer1cho

    Jer1cho Guest

    Erm... what's Lent??? :huh: Anyway...

    One day a Native American man finds himself observing a British guy trying to pick up woman. The Indian watches to see if the man will be successful. Here is the conversation the British man has with a lady that walks by (with a nice FAT accent)...

    Brit: "Tickle your fanny with a feather?"
    Woman: "WHAT!?"
    Brit: "Oh nothing, i said typical country weather..."

    So the girl moves along, as the Indian still observes with interest. Another lady soon walks by and the same conversation occurs:

    Brit: "Tickle your fanny with a feather?"
    Woman: "WHAT!?"
    Brit: "Oh nothing, i said typical country weather..."

    Again the woman moves on. The Indian is thinking by now that the man is mad, but decides to watch him give it one last shot.

    Brit: "Tickle your fanny with a feather?"
    Woman: "Sure! I would love that! Lets Go!"

    The Indian is stunned, and upon the man's return, decides to ask for advice on picking up ladies like that. The British man tells him to say something dirty, and cover it up if the response is not the desired one! So the Native American soon returns to his homeland to try it out.

    When he gets there, Soaring Eagle walks past... Here is the conversation:

    Indian: "Poke c*nt with stick?"
    Soaring Eagle: "WHAT!?"
    Indian: "No looks like rain!"
     
  4. Hall

    Hall Guest

    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Jer1cho @ Apr 9 2009, 12:42 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    Christian observance of the forty days leading up to Easter.

    People give things up for some reason...
     
  5. Steve-o

    Steve-o Guest

    Some Robert Mugabe Jokes:

    ----

    Zimbabwe postal service has introduced a new stamp with a picture of Robert Mugabe in honor of his achievements. In daily use it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes. This has enraged the president who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has come out with the following findings:
    1) The stamp is in perfect order
    2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive
    3) People are just spitting on the wrong side

    ----

    Robert Mugabe goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away.

    The undertaker tells the accompanying people, “you can have him shipped home for USS500,000 or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just USS100?”

    The Zimbabweans go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Mugabe shipped home.

    The undertaker is puzzled and asks, “Why would you spend $500 000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you save you could buy enough diesel for a year, buy enough medicines to wipe out cholera, buy enough generators to never have blackouts again.”

    The Zimbabweans replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take that chance!”

    ---

    Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were driving down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road and killed it instantly.

    Mugabe tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what happen."

    One hour later, Mugabe sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.

    "What happen to you?" Mugabe asks.

    "Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."

    "My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.

    The driver answered: "Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
     
  6. Hall

    Hall Guest

    There was once a man who was born with three testicles

    He made quite a few quid over the years on wagers and side shows and that sort of thing.

    One night he was standing at the urinal in his local pub when he turned to the bloke standing next to him and said, " bet you twenty five quid wev'e got five balls between us" the man gladly accepted the bet, promptly dropped his trousers and said right..now show me your four."
     
  7. O'Rothlain

    O'Rothlain Guest

    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Hall @ Apr 9 2009, 06:50 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    Christian observance of the forty days leading up to Easter.

    People give things up for some reason...


    [/b][/quote]
    http://www.fisheaters.com/customslent1.html
    There's a link for you if you really want to know.

    Now, this calls for a Catholic Jokes!

    A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and the future. "What position do you see yourself in a couple years from now?" asked the Rabbi to the Priest. "Well, actually, I’m next in line for the Monsignor’s job," replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" ask the Rabbi. "Well, I could become Arch-Bishop," said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, if I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it’s possible to become a full Bishop" said the Priest. "Okay, then what?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest, beginning to be a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get frustrated, but replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I’m in the right place at the right time and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" continued the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest, "What do you expect me to become, God?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
     
  8. Hall

    Hall Guest

    Good one!

    I've got one in a similar vein but it's more focused on Judaism.

    A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive barmitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

    "Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

    "What did you do?" asked the father.

    "I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

    "And what did he say?" pressed the father.

    "God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
     
  9. Hall

    Hall Guest

    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (O'Rothlain @ Apr 10 2009, 01:53 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    Christian observance of the forty days leading up to Easter.

    People give things up for some reason...


    [/b][/quote]
    http://www.fisheaters.com/customslent1.html
    There's a link for you if you really want to know.
    [/b][/quote]

    Oh I knew, I was just being facetious in my reply as I always am with religion.
     
  10. gingergenius

    gingergenius Guest

    are racist jokes allowed or will i be cut down as a menace to society?
     
  11. cyRil

    cyRil Guest

    *Waits for response to scribble out several 'amusing' stories involving Ethiopians*
     
  12. Hall

    Hall Guest

    I'm not that bothered unless they're downright derogatory in which case I'd be bothered.
     
  13. cyRil

    cyRil Guest

    *Scribbles out several 'not-so-amusing' stories involving Ethiopians*
     
  14. Haysie

    Haysie Guest

    Hey Cyril, what does Yoko Ono have in common with Ethiopians?
     
  15. Son says to mother,"Mam,i've got the biggest penis at the nursery;is it because I'm special?"
    "no son,it's because you're 23 and stupid, now watch you don't spill those spaghetti hoops down the front of your new Leeds top".
     
  16. Haysie

    Haysie Guest

    <div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Haysie @ Apr 30 2009, 10:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div>
    They both live off dead beatles.

    (Grabs cricket bat ready to battle nay-sayers)
     
  17. Hall

    Hall Guest

    I like that one!
     
  18. Here are some short jokes to amuse you all





    Tell this one to your wife or girlfriend you'll probably get a good slap

    What's Red, Slimy, and Crawling up your leg?

    A Homesick Abortion!



    Whts the difference between a peeping tom and a thief?

    the thief snatches watches




    What do you call a black lady with braces?

    A Double Decker Penis Wrecker!
     
  19. shtove

    shtove Guest

    An investment banker was riding in his limousine when he saw two men at the roadside, down on their hands and knees eating grass. Intrigued, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

    He asked the first man, "Why are you eating grass?"

    "I lost my job, my home was repossessed, and my pension collapsed. There's no money for food, so I have to eat grass to survive."

    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the banker said.

    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. Over there, under that tree."

    "Bring them along," the banker replied. "Plenty for everyone."

    He turned to the second man and said, "You can come with us too."

    The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

    "Bring them all!" said the banker. "All are welcome."

    When the two families had squeezed themselves in to the limo, there was no more room in back so the banker sat up front.

    As the limo pulled away, the children joined hands and said, "Oh thank you, sir. You are so kind."

    "No problem," said the banker as he turned in his seat to look at their upturned faces. "You'll love my place. The grass is a foot high."
     
  20. Fa'atau82

    Fa'atau82 Guest

    Paddy is walking down the road to the pub and very nearly steps on a dog turd. He enters the pubs, finds his mate and says, 'ffs look what i nearly trod in'.
     
  21. Jer1cho

    Jer1cho Guest

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

    Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

    The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

    10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist'
     
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