A Difficult Issue to Talk about

[The_Wol]

Some of you may know me as the always feisty, always ready with a joke or something sarcastic to say. I've been around the forum for years. But what most of you wouldn't know is I've been dealing with depression for a very long time. To be honest my depression stems from problems with girls, I have a perfect family life, my parents did everything for me, private school education, bought me my first and second car, left my room availiable for if I ever move back. But no matter what they did I have always been a **** up when it came to girls. I don't think any girl I've ever had feelings for has been sane. My first serious girlfriend (wayback in 2010) stabbed me in the hand, my second serious girlfriend left me for a thai fighter (guessing my 12 years of boxing experience wasn't enough) in 2012 and my third serious girlfriend cheated on me with her ex and constantly made my life hell (That relationship ended last year after 2 years of bull****).

Recently I had some more trouble with girls, I fell in love with a girl who was beautiful, funny and we were so very very close. And then suddenly she turns around and starts dating a guy she's met 4 times and known for a month.... That kind of sent me on a downward spiral that ended up with me on Sunday standing on the bridge of the trainlines with 4 cops around me begging me not to do it, when I finally climbed back over, I was patted down (Make sure I didn't have any knives or razors or anything) and then the older female cop just hugged me and said "I had a 21 year old son who jumped from this same bridge, I'm glad you didn't." from then on I thought about how selfish I was, how just because some girl ****ed with me emotionally for months on end and started dating someone she hardly knew without so much as a word to me (We were bestfriends we talked about everything and spent all our spare time together except for the rare occasions when I was busy).

So what I really want to get across is while the pain we can feel can at times be unbearable we have to remember that no matter what, no matter how long it takes we'll make it through. I've been through this before and I know I'll make it through this time. One quote that helps me through (That I'm getting tattooed on me before my May 2nd Fight (no not the Pacquiao Mayweather fight, day before in Australia ;P) is this

The next time life knocks you down
The Most Important thing you can do is find a way to rise
Because it's not about the knockdown, it's about the get up,
It's about what you do after the knockdown.
That is what defines who you are.

Remember guys, don't cry to give up. Cry to keep going.

 

[Shaggy]

Absolutely right Woldog, it's a very difficult topic to talk about ... there's probably not too many of us out there that haven't either personally been effected by depression or suicide, or have someone very close to us that been effected, yet we are reluctant to talk about it.

This makes me believe that because of this reluctance, the number of people that reach out or seek help, compared to those that suffer in silence, make this issue like siting ice burgs ... the majority go unseen.

Anyway, I encourage anyone going through these issues to reach out to those that are close to you

 

[The_Wol]

Absolutely right Woldog, it's a very difficult topic to talk about ... there's probably not too many of us out there that haven't either personally been effected by depression or suicide, or have someone very close to us that been effected, yet we are reluctant to talk about it.

This makes me believe that because of this reluctance, the number of people that reach out or seek help, compared to those that suffer in silence, make this issue like siting ice burgs ... the majority go unseen.

Anyway, I encourage anyone going through these issues to reach out to those that are close to you

The hardest thing for people who have never had or been effected by it in my eyes is that they do not know how easy it is to fake being happy when inside you're falling to pieces. Often when someone commits suicide you'll see or hear the comments "But he always seemed so happy?" or "He had so many friends why would he be so selfish". Unless you've been through it or seen it first hand, you'll never understand how hard it is to keep going when your every thought is focused on how easy it would be to leave. I know for me simple things like crossing the road make me think about stepping in front of a car and my issues aren't even that bad!

 

[Shaggy]

The hardest thing for people who have never had or been effected by it in my eyes is that they do not know how easy it is to fake being happy when inside you're falling to pieces. Often when someone commits suicide you'll see or hear the comments "But he always seemed so happy?" or "He had so many friends why would he be so selfish". Unless you've been through it or seen it first hand, you'll never understand how hard it is to keep going when your every thought is focused on how easy it would be to leave. I know for me simple things like crossing the road make me think about stepping in front of a car and my issues aren't even that bad!

I totally get that, issues always seem so bad, but often when you look back, they often aren't as big as they seemed - with some types of depression, your highs and lows are so much more extreme, the trick is to learn or recognise when you are on or going into a low, and have a plan to deal with it. The whole thing is that how "Big" the issue is, is totally through the eyes of the person that's going through it, so you can't really judge their actions by how you would handle what they are going through (So I can relate to what you are saying).

Having said that, I have experienced being one of the people close to a suicide and an attempted suicide, and it's tough on the people that get left behind, so, I get the "selfish" thing too

 

[TRF Mr Fish]

It's good to talk about it, even if it's on an online forum etc.

I'll throw a bit more down later, I know a bit about what you're going through.

 

[The_Wol]

It is important to talk about it, and I figured I'd lay out my story something I normally keep very private to encourage others not to suffer in silence when there is help out there.

 

[TRF_heineken]

@Woldog, that pulled my heartstrings.

I also suffered from depression in my early 20's after a string of dissappointments and bad things that happened to me.

I too felt at one stage that I will never get a girl to love me, and that whatever I did, I got friendzoned. It was a big knock to the little self-confidence I had left.

Then one day, I caught up with an old school friend which I haven't seen in 5 years, as his parents moved to the Cape. We were busy talking, and he too was a depression sufferer, and he told me something which changed my life.

He said that he decided that the one thing that is being the core of his depression was girls. So he decided to remove it from the equation completely. He said he made the choice that to become a confident, happy human being, he had to work on himself first, and then when he's feeling better, he could pursue the females again.

I made that choice too. For 3 years I didn't look at girls, in a romantic way. I still went to parties, socialized, and if the odd snog would present itself, I would go in for the kill. But I didn't date.

Then one day out of the blue, I met this girl at the movies, she was there with friends, and I was there on my own. As I was buying my ticket, she asked if I was going to watch a movie on my own? I told her, yes, I do this every second week. And she was stunned into silence. She asked me why would I do that and not rather go to the bar or something. Then I told her that I don't drink so why should I go to the bar? She said "to meet other people". To which I responded "I don't want to meet other people, and the people who hang out in bars every weekend are not the type of people I want to befriend". Then I went to watch the movie.

After the movie, she was standing at the exit of the movies, and waited for me. She told me that she never thought of it that way. And then I asked her, but then why was she at the movies and not at the bar? She said that she and her friends really wanted to watch the movie they saw, and they decided to go and watch it and go to the bar on Saturday.

She invited me to have coffee with them at the coffee shop across the street. I met her friends and we just had a decent sober chat. No numbers were exchanged, or anything else. That invitation to the coffee shop alone was a boost of confidence alone. A few weeks later I saw her again at the movies, and then we talked again, and slowly began a friendship. She is now my wife, and I'm so happy now. I am no longer depressed, and I am self confident.

Hang in there Woldog, I know it's a battle. But be strong, and concentrate on the small things. Instead of being desperate for that female connection, remove it from your thoughts, and it will happen naturally, you will see.

 

[The_Wol]

See I'm 24 and for me I've had 3 serious relationships and a few little insignificant ones. But by far the most painful are when you do everything and end up in the friendzone. Nothing is harder than watching someone who you love, love someone else even when they lead you along. Kissed you, sent you naughty pictures, hugged you, spent all their time with you and then you feel completely worthless once they find someone else who captures them more than you.... its a tough road but I know I'll get through, just right now it seems hopeless.

 

[TRF_heineken]

See I'm 24 and for me I've had 3 serious relationships and a few little insignificant ones. But by far the most painful are when you do everything and end up in the friendzone. Nothing is harder than watching someone who you love, love someone else even when they lead you along. Kissed you, sent you naughty pictures, hugged you, spent all their time with you and then you feel completely worthless once they find someone else who captures them more than you.... its a tough road but I know I'll get through, just right now it seems hopeless.

Well, then let me tell you I only had one serious relationship before I met my wife. And between the 2 of them there was a gap of 4 years where I had no relationship whatsoever. It is hard to see that happen, yes. But remember these words: "This too shall pass". The pain eventually goes away.

 

[Shaggy]

See I'm 24 and for me I've had 3 serious relationships and a few little insignificant ones. But by far the most painful are when you do everything and end up in the friendzone. Nothing is harder than watching someone who you love, love someone else even when they lead you along. Kissed you, sent you naughty pictures, hugged you, spent all their time with you and then you feel completely worthless once they find someone else who captures them more than you.... its a tough road but I know I'll get through, just right now it seems hopeless.

Yeah, it's tough when a serious relationship doesn't work out, but, in the long run, it's probably a good thing because it probably means you weren't right for one another. It doesn't make either of you bad or anything, it just means that you haven't met the right one yet. I know that it seems bad right now, but imagine if you had got married and had kids, only to find you weren't right for one another - that's much worse,I can assure you.

I don't want to put you off women or anything, that's not my intention at all, quite the contrary. You are 24, and you have lots of time to find the one that it is right for you, and you for her.

You obviously care a lot about your girl friend(s) when you commit, and it seems that you know when you are in that downward depression cycle, and have some mechanisms to cope with that, so if I were you, I'd take Heineken's advice, and take the time to find the one that you are right for, and is worthy of you.

 

[thechosenfamily]

I am feeling your pain mate reading your post.

I myself went through what was a mini breakdown some years ago following the breakdown of a marriage and went through many of the things you have been through.

I did not tell people , even my family and friends about what had happened until many weeks after the break up through embarrassment, denial and shame and the only way to put it to people would be to quote the lyrics from Smokey Robinsons "Tears of a Clown."

 

[The_Wol]

I am feeling your pain mate reading your post.

I myself went through what was a mini breakdown some years ago following the breakdown of a marriage and went through many of the things you have been through.

I did not tell people , even my family and friends about what had happened until many weeks after the break up through embarrassment, denial and shame and the only way to put it to people would be to quote the lyrics from Smokey Robinsons "Tears of a Clown."

To be honest I posted this for two reasons, one to get everything off my chest and let it go and the other to make people aware that anyone can suffer from depression. I'm the last person people would think is deeply unhappy. I'd encourage any other members to talk about their problems to get them out as I find it helps a lot.

 

[thechosenfamily]

To be honest I posted this for two reasons, one to get everything off my chest and let it go and the other to make people aware that anyone can suffer from depression. I'm the last person people would think is deeply unhappy. I'd encourage any other members to talk about their problems to get them out as I find it helps a lot.

Amen brother

 

[Amobokoboko]

Hi mate, glad that you'r still around. I understand how you feel as some of us have experienced similar moments in life.
I reckon the key here is to find something positive in your life and keep that in mind as a driver. Looking for the perfect girl is a long and not always that easy quest. Just try to make the most of it and things will turn around for you.

 

[goodNumber10]

Not been posting here long enough to really know you.... But find your posts quite funny and you seem like a nice guy, so good work on speaking up.

Everyone has tough times and it impacts on each of us differently none is less meaningful than the other so it's good that people feel like they can open up in a place like this....

 

[SelimNiai]

I experienced the consequences of not talking last year. The way I grew up, and I sort of blame my sports coaches when they said "don't let them see that you're hurt" I took it as a life lesson, I never told anyone outside of a very select few about my troubles. This went through bullying at school and college through to a University career I messed up and subsequently failed and dropped out of my course through to now having to survive financially and socially on my own. It came to a head in August last year where the threat of losing my job and losing the bit of normality I had just tipped me over the edge.

I went through near 5 months of depression, anxiety, paranoia and panic attacks and the therapy which at the time touched on some raw subjects that I hadn't talked about and my insistence that somehow I was to blame for it all. It allowed me to share it with more people, though some may read this who I chatted to in that time and this'll be news to them, overall the more people who knew and were sympathetic and helpful the more I could rise above it. I've always jokingly put myself down in the past, still do to be honest. Just at that point I was believing myself when I said these things.

3 months since I successfully went through therapy for it all and things are looking up, I have a job I am now securely in, I have 2 amazing nephews and I'm Best Man at my Brothers wedding in August. Not out of the woods yet though, I have a lot to do if I'm ever going to get past and over the things that still rattle around this head of mine.

The thread ***le of this is right, this has taken 2 hours to go from wanting to post to knowing what and how much to say.

 

[The_Wol]

I believe sports and the mentality that men aren't supposed to feel like this is a lot to blame. Throughout boxing I've been taught never to show when I'm hurting. If you get knocked down you get back up and continue, with rugby if you let a big hit show it rattled you it opens you up for more. This mentality transfers to your every day life, where you feel if you show you are hurting you will be perceived as weak or people will just do you more harm if you tell them. I'm supposed to be at Sparring training right now, but my quads and calves are still cramped up from rugby (go figure) so my usual coping method with this pain (getting hit and hitting back) is out of reach for today so I will have to find some other way to cope.

I have never been one to give up on anything, I believe that my mental strength is what keeps me going even though I woke up an hour ago and my first thought was ending it all I know that I can't, that too many people's lives would be ruined by that, so I soldier on. I avoid drinking, I eat relatively healthily. My only vice is smoking it used to help but now I find myself staring at the cigarette as it burns down thinking that represents our life here. We all start out so full of life, but as we age we slowly burn out.

I know I'll get through this pain, I've felt this before and gone through it before. I just have to figure out how I did it before and keep going.

 

[ruggabee]

Thanks for sharing woldog.

 

[smartcooky]

No-one who hasn't suffered from "the black mist" can truly understand what its like for those of us who have.

Those who say "get over it" and "harden up" do not; can not realise that their comments are not only unhelpful, they are damaging.

In NZ John Kirwan has been the poster boy for depression awareness and recovery. If a big, tough All Black can suffer from depression, anyone can.

Try to find a copy of this book (your local library might have one if you cannot buy it)

http://www.penguin.co.nz/products/9780143204800/all-blacks-don-t-cry-story-hope

 

[profitius]

some girl ****ed with me emotionally for months on end and started dating someone she hardly knew without so much as a word to me (We were bestfriends we talked about everything and spent all our spare time together except for the rare occasions when I was busy). .

Heineken and Ruggabee have shown you the way. Girls do not want to be chased. If you've low self esteem and are desperate to find a girlfriend, its impossible to hide it. They can sense that within minutes of meeting a man. Sometimes it takes weeks or months but they will get turned off if you come on too strong. Once they know they have you trained to do what they say, thats it, its over. Its not their fault though. Women are more attracted to men who takes no ***** from them. That doesn't mean treat them badly (though your ex girlfriends sound like the 'treat them mean to keep them keen' type of girls) but instead it means you're no pushover and they can't always get what they want.


You must not chase women, you must attract them. The more desperate guys always end up being friendzoned because they act all nicey nice, as you would expect from a friend, not a partner. Think of life as a battle. Women want a strong partner to accompany them, someone they can rely on, not the other way around.


As others said, work on yourself first. Think positive would be my advise. Simple but effective.