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Jethro
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No prizes for guessing which journalist, who hasn't had sex since the ABs last won a world cup, wrote this dribble. Though kudos for mentioning my man Zac B)
All Blacks a farce for Wales to reckon with
Wales - this is your big chance. Go on, we dare you. Break the habit of a few generations, and don't blow it.
I for one will be cheering you all the way when the enormous All Black squad descends upon Cardiff, intent upon continuing more than half a century of domination that has turned into an almighty bore.
This particular rugby rivalry, not to mention the pompous All Black coaching panel, needs a giant kick up the behind. It's time for Wales to stop just singing about the romance of the game in their wonderful national stadium and set about writing a decent chapter to savour.
The thought of enduring another woeful Welsh effort isn't the only reason to hope against hope for a historic if unlikely victory.
The latest instalment of grandiose nonsense out of New Zealand rugby, involving the All Black coaches swapping their jobs, only makes the thought of a Welsh victory, however remote, even more mouth-watering.
After a fair-to-hopeless season, a shock defeat would be a welcome comeuppance for the Teflon trio, a panel which escapes the serious scrutiny that has shaped All Black history and been a cross to bear for their predecessors.
Having scuppered the prospects of other genuine All Black coaching aspirants, the NZRU and its wonder-boys are engaging in more of their mad-scientist schemes, arranging new job descriptions for themselves, minor tweaks they claim, apparently at the suggestion of senior players.
Of course it had to be accompanied by the usual blather about "growing as a group" from these new-age gobbledygook gurus.
Moving forward ... although let's quickly look back.
The last super-brilliant idea they had was resting their best players so they were under-done for a World Cup, although all that gym work meant the boys looked fantastic swimming in Corsica.
Now, having struggled in specialist roles, the coaches are confident of doing a better job at poking their noses into areas they aren't supposed to be experts in.
Is this being filmed perhaps for one of those unrealistic reality shows? If not, why not?
This is an asylum, but it isn't being run by lunatics. They are clever men, when it comes to self-preservation.
Here's a novel concept: if Steve Hansen really isn't good enough to coach the forwards any more, then get someone in who is rather than let these 2007 World Cup failures become insiders trading places.
Rugby is run by a smug closed shop. If the All Blacks do get beaten on this tour, we'll be told that they are still bedding in their new coaching roles. Or maybe they'll rotate again, and we'll have Wayne Smith running the lineouts. That should be enormous fun.
The memory might be playing tricks here, but didn't the Graham Henry acolytes tell us that losing the last World Cup was the trick that would make them all better coaches. Now it's rotation. Who knows what the next theory will be? Anyone else with All Black coaching aspirations might as well get out of Dodgy City now.
But this plea for a Welsh victory is not just a vote against the pompous All Black ways.
While the All Blacks will cop a lashing should they fall to the Welsh, it would also be a time to warmly congratulate a long-suffering foe, and rejoice in a rip-roaring upset that would help reinvigorate a sport which is often drab on the field and in desperate need of rediscovering a long-lost magic.
If the red dwarfs of world rugby can't beat the All Blacks this time - and you certainly wouldn't bet on them doing it - they never will.
The 1983 All Black team captained by poor old Stu Wilson, who has been unfairly lumped with the blame over time, will forever be regarded as the worst mob to head north, but the current lot could push them close.
These ritual end-of-year tours have become almost meaningless money-making ventures that stretch the season out too long. The northern tours lay golden eggs but threaten to cook the goose. A Welsh victory would be just the ticket, and not entirely out of the question either such is the haphazard state of these All Blacks.
Richie McCaw and Dan Carter will ensure the All Blacks start as pre-tour favourites for all six games on this latest European jaunt, but there is a galaxy of black holes around those two long-lasting supernovas.
Take one or both of them away, and the outlook changes. Tanerau Latimer, a ball runner rather than stealer, at number seven? Mike Delany, of NPC quality so far, at No 10? Delany, a fairytale story if ever there was one in modern rugby, is the punters' favourite for now, but he won't be once the Heinrich Brussows of this world chase him down.
McCaw and Carter are big obstacles to overcome, but nullify them and you are well on the way to victory.
The All Black coaching roundabout shemozzle must add vulnerability into the mix. Apart from appointing the team doctor as the new scrum doctor, it doesn't get any more bizarre than getting Steve Hansen involved with the backs.
There is uncertainty in the air and the timing is perfect for the Welsh, who have an outstanding coach and will strike the All Blacks a week after they play Australia in Japan.
The keys for the Welsh will be truly believing they can win and discarding any notion they can foot it with the best sides by shifting the ball around.
Welsh back moves are more likely to end up in the lap of a boyo singing Land of Our Fathers than leading to a lap of honour. The Welsh need to go forward by the short route at every opportunity, a la the Springboks, and have faith the All Blacks will come up with mistakes under constant pressure.
If the Welsh dragon can spend 80 minutes breathing fire, they just might notch their first win over the All Blacks since 1953.
Coach Warren Gatland and his Welsh charges can do worse than look at a tape of the recent Air New Zealand Cup clash between Hawkes Bay and Canterbury, where the Magpies' game plan would have fitted on the shoestring the union operates on.
Canterbury brought a load of All Blacks to town but they looked like lost sheep for most of the match as the Bay's boot boys hoisted the ball to the beautiful Napier sky and the chasers and tacklers rode forth on a wave of noise coming out of the stands.
Hawkes Bay were outclassed, but only in brief moments when Carter cut loose.
Once again, for the umpteenth time in their careers, McCaw and Carter had to rescue their comrades. But for the Magnificent Two, Canterbury would have been well beaten that night, and but for a rotten refereeing decision Hawkes Bay would probably have drawn the match.
That Canterbury pack - with All Black tour forwards McCaw, Brad Thorn, Corey Flynn, Owen Franks and Wyatt Crockett (plus discarded test lock Isaac Ross) - were made to look decidedly ordinary by one of the bargain-basement sides of New Zealand rugby. Hawkes Bay even diced with set-piece death by playing a rampaging loose forward as a lock.
Three of those Canterbury forwards are likely to start in the test pack, the hard-working Crockett may push loosehead Tony Woodcock close for at least one test start on this tour, and Flynn will probably be a replacement in the Welsh test.
The All Black scrum is a fairly secure outfit these days - although it didn't excel as expected at the last World Cup - but if the Welsh (and the All Blacks' other opponents) have got their heads screwed on, they will attack a vulnerable All Black lineout for all they are worth.
Any Northern Hemisphere side, including the Italians, should be licking the lips facing an All Black pack minus Carl Hayman, Keven Mealamu and Ali Williams, and with the belligerent Rodney So'oialo struggling for form.
The All Blacks' new boys aren't all that flash in terms of all-round games, a prime example being Kieran Read, who has an outstanding motor but whose natural ball skills are dangerously mechanical.
The backs can be potent but are no sure bets.
The All Blacks have yet to establish a world-class halfback, Ma'a Nonu and Sitiveni Sivivatu are prone to serious off-days, Mils Muliaina is not the assured footballer of old, and if he gets to play, Zac Guildford will be trying to make his mark in a game that just isn't a place for genuine wings.
Guildford reminds Henry of John Kirwan, but there isn't sufficient space for a runaway wing on the field any more.
Unless Hansen, the new part-time backs maestro, has something remarkable up his sleeve, Guildford will have to take his cue from the wonderful Bryan Habana, the ultimate kick, catch, return and chase man with a nice sideline in intercepts.
Wales need to get in the right frame of mind.
They like to believe in the mysterious, romantic elements of rugby, making them prone to an All Black hex.
Not only were their current players not alive when Wales last beat the All Blacks, some of their mums and dads weren't either.
The Welsh players don't really believe they are good enough. That's what Gatland has to sort out first. If he can, Wales could do rugby an almighty favour.[/b]
No prizes for guessing which journalist, who hasn't had sex since the ABs last won a world cup, wrote this dribble. Though kudos for mentioning my man Zac B)
