Collection of some of the finest double entendres

Discussion in 'The Clubhouse Bar' started by QKXV, May 12, 2006.

  1. QKXV

    QKXV Guest

    I received this on email today, thought I'd share it as it is well funny.

    A collection of some of the finest double entendres on
    British TV & Radio.

    Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up
    to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK
    eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there,
    they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
    shorts."

    Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his
    caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish
    Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks
    he prefers to do it by himself."

    Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
    Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses
    every chance he gets."

    Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre
    choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on
    in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard
    on now."

    Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner
    Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practicing
    fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

    'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey
    Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look
    between his legs and likes what he sees."

    Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil
    Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third
    leg."

    Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham
    v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
    "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

    Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look
    North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage
    inside you on a cold night like this."

    James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand
    Prix, asked: "What Barrichello?"

    Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt
    much better today after a 69."

    The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough
    Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that
    magnificent erection."

    Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys
    prepare for a big coming from different positions."

    Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on
    Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get
    it."

    A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
    to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
    asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised
    me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
    but half the crew did too, because they were laughing
    so hard!

    US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold
    Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee
    shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ...
    Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

    Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
    they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

    Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
    - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge
    President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

    Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really
    a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

    New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves
    it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

    Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is
    Gregoriava from
    Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was
    amazing.
     
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  3. dobrien7

    dobrien7 Guest

    That's Murray Mexted, famous for commentary goofs here in NZ, such as "I've been pumping Marty Leslie for a few seasons now"
     
  4. loratadine

    loratadine Guest

    ha ha ha classic stuff, right.... back to my wkd.
     
  5. wigan_rlfc

    wigan_rlfc Guest

    You big girl
     
  6. QKXV

    QKXV Guest

    hehe classic

    Was it him that said something about the Springboks lacking penetration when we played the AB's last year?
     
  7. dobrien7

    dobrien7 Guest

    Undoubtedly it would have been him :D

    Did have a list of his commentary gaffs around somewhere, I'll hunt it out and hopefully post it.

    EDIT - Here we go :)

    The best quotes from New Zealand Sky TV rugby man,
    the ubiquitous Murray Mexted

    "You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that."

    "He's looking for some meaningul penetration into the backline."

    "Spencer's running across field calling out, come inside me, come inside me."

    "I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation when the gap opens up like that and you just burst right through."

    "I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him."

    "Darry Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside Andrew Mehrtens, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the same today."

    "There's nothing that a tight forward likes more than a loosie right up his backside."

    "Everybody knows that I have been pumping Martin Leslie for a couple seasons now."
     
  8. loratadine

    loratadine Guest

    stop it please... ha ha ha. this is gold
     
  9. Gay-Guy

    Gay-Guy Guest

    :D Man all the posts in this thread are so funny!

    ....but my lack of intelligence made me miss the Schumacher one????
     
  10. dobrien7

    dobrien7 Guest

    Possibly confusing Ralf for Michael's long time Ferrari team mate Reubens Barichello? Must admit I missed that one too...

    And to think all of these were actually said, superb. Must have more!

    eg.

    Olympic women's diving, the commentator used a description she no doubt regretted as soon as she uttered it. As the contestant spun through the air, the resident expert noted the good tuck position and added, "You couldn't get anything between those legs."

    and the famous Murray Walker...

    "He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can't see it"
    "With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go"

    "Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough ?"

    "Anything happens in Grand Prix racing and it usually does"

    "Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place"

    "As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is 5th"

    "I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem"

    "He is shedding buckets of adrenalin in that car"

    "It's raining and the track is wet"

    "And there's just a few more corners for Nigel Mansell to go to win the Canadian Grand Prix...and...he's going rather slow....HE'S STOPPING HE'S STOPPING!"

    "and this is the third placed car about to lap the second placed car"

    "they say clothes maketh the man... the clothes are Niki Lauda's, but the contents are me..." as Murray prepares to take a drive in a F1 car." [He gets a total distance of... oh, 1 foot before he stalls it.] (Apparently, this was the second attempt to film Murray in an F1 McLaren - the first, earlier that day, had gone very well, but for technical reasons couldn't be used!)

    [During a F1 race, describing how the leader can see the driver following him] "... Mansell can see him in his earphone..."

    "So Bernie [Ecclestone], in the seventeen years since you bought McLaren, which of your many achievements do you think was the most memorable ?" Bernie Answers, "Well I don't remember buying McLaren." [Bernie Ecclestone used to own the Brabham team].

    Murrary: "What's that? There's a BODY on the track!!!" James: "Um, I think that that is a piece of BODY-WORK, from someone's car."

    Murray: There's a fiery glow coming from the back of the Ferrari James: No Murray, that's his rear safety light

    As an introductory piece for a rallysprint race, Murray was put in the Navigator's seat alongside Tony Pond in a Chevette HSR (270 BHP, rwd, and TWITCHY), added an in-car camera, and wired Murray for sound. The result can be deduced by extrapolating his usual excitement and enthusiasm, and adding a large pinch of raw terror! "And there's a 600 foot drop on my left..AND we're doing 120 mph... AND we're approaching a hairpin...OH MY GOD we're going to die..."

    [after a post race interview with Mansell after the Austrian GP 1987] Murray : "How did you get that nasty bumb on your head Nigel?" [Nigel leans forward to show the camera as Murray pokes it with his finger !] Nigel: "OUCH!!"

    Murray: And look at the flames coming from the back of Berger's McLaren
    James: Actually, Murray, they're not flames, it's the safety light.
    Murray, commentating on rallycross from Lydden, describes how a BMW driver has cut holes in his windscreen so that his visibility is improved in all the muck... as he is doing so, the car crashes heavily into an earth bank...

    From the Spanish GP 1995: "and Eddie Jordan is in fifth place"... (actually Eddie Irvine in one of his compatriot Eddie Jordan's cars).

    "...and he's lost both right front tyres" (which may have been accurate back in the days of the Tyrrell P34, but it was from 1995!)
     
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