Discussion in 'The Clubhouse Bar' started by edinburgh_gunner, Mar 30, 2005.
that it was err.. dead boring...
you are one sordid little boy...........where was the joke in that
*takes aim at sambad*
so much as fart and i'll blow you another ass hole
lets see if i can make up for the last erm one.
tiger woods was at a playboy mansion party one night, and he walks in the door, and looks around and he sees stevie wonder sitting in the corner. he walks up to him and says, hey stevie, hows it going, its tiger.
"ohh tiger i hear that your not half bad at golf!"
"yeah im not too bad" tiger says
"well mabie i will have a game with you some day then tiger" stevie says to him. "but people dont think im serious when i ask them to play golf, considering that im blind, so ill put a wager on it, $1000 sound good?"
"are you kidding stevie?"tiger says, as his eyes light up in the prospect of geting a easy grand
"well, yeah" stevie says, annoyed that tiger thought it was a joke. "well how about we put a little more on it then? $10,000 sound all right?
tiger stands there, eyes wide open, rubbing his hands togeather "yeah sure"
stevie, then takes out his eletronic diary, and asks tiger "pick a night"
What do you call a sarcastic cowboy?
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!
His friend looks at him and says, "It's all in the attitude, buddy. You're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my clothes on the floor, jump naked into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'WHO'S HORNY?' and she acts like she's sound asleep every time.
At work there were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde, who worked together at the office. Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too. Near the end of the day, the boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the
next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"
email i got...dam us islanders r smart
>>One Clear Day A Samoan man owned a hen who laid him an egg for his
>>One morning however, the hen laid an egg on his next door neighbours lawn.
>> On seeing this the samoan man quickly goes over to retrieve it, but
>>before he could reach it the maori man who lived next door grabbed the
>>"that's my egg" said the samoan man to the maori man.
>>"it may be your hen but it's on my property so it's my egg" said the maori
>>"you alelo!!" said the samoan man to the maori who doesn't understand a
>>word of samaon
>>"I tell you what in samoa the way we settle disputes is by kicking each
>>other in the nuts and the first person that takes less time to get up is
>>the maori man looked at the samoan man then looked down to his feet and
>>saw that the samoan man was wearing his jandals, then he looked down to
>>his feet and he was wearing his work boots, he thought the samoan man
>>didn't have a chance. "yeah I'm okay with that"
>>"okay, I will go first" said the samoan man, with that the samaon man
>>takes a few paces back and with a good running start he lunges towards the
>>maori man and lifts his big size 14 foot with toes hanging out from his
>>jandals and kicks the maori man in the nut's.
>>The maori man groans in pain as he falls down to the ground, but after 15
>>minutes he gets up and says.."okay it's my turn"
>>The samoan man says..."nahhh you keep the egg".
Didn't Billy T James tell this joke with a few differences and it was between a Maori and an Englishman?
Arrrr........showing my age!
Ok. My flatmate is reading this thread and he too wants to put a race relations joke up so here it goes.
There was an American (Captain america), a Maori (Sambad5), and a Samoan (Chiro) who were working 60 floors high on a construction site.
C.A opened his lunch and exclaimed "Oh my garrsssh. If I have toona sandwiches again I am gonna jump off this here building"
Sambad5 opens his lunch and sighs "Eaar, nah bro! Bloody missus gave me kumara snadwiches again the b@#%h! If I have kumara sandwiches again tomorrow I'm gonna jump off this ere building the f#$%en b@#%h!"
Chiro opens his lunch box and says "Orrrrw, yeah, you know, you see, my wife make me Kalo sandwiches again! Yeah, I tell you! One more time she make me kalo sandwich, yeah, I jump off this building!"
The next day they all discovered the same sandwiches and consequently jumped to their deaths.
At the funeral the 3 wives are talking together. Captainamerica's lovely wife says "I really don't understand. If he had only told me he didn't like toona sandwiches I would have made him something else"
Sambad5's missus says "Eaar girl. Just like my man. Shoulda told me he didn't like kumara. Al bay, would have been sweet as cooking him up a boil up, just get puha straight out of the creek eeeeeeeh"
Chiro's wife can hardly contain herself with her weeping. Finally when the other wives have calmed her down a bit she shakes her head in disbelief "I don't know!"
The other two wives look at each other and say "what don't you understand?"
Chiro's wife says "That man, hes make his own lunch!"
Thats an old Irish Joke.
I got a joke for you:
Loratadine is going to sweep all awards at the TRF awards, and GG is going to turn straight.
...I don't get it.
Neither has Loratadine.
Except with the odd sheep.
lol good one gg!
all i wanted was her to get in the kiction and COOK ME SOME DAMM EGGS
What do you call a man with no shins ?
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, you never done anything wild in your life?"
With out batting an eye, the old man replied,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock,
I was just wondering if you were my son."
lol good one el_tk!
reminds me of one actually...
there was this old man sitting outside on a seat beside a pool, just reading the paper, and drinking a coffee. then this guy opens up the gate and put a towel beside the man, emptys his pockets and pulls off his shirt and puts it next to him, and he looks at the man and says "hey, you dont mind looking after my stuff while i go for a swim?"
the old man mumbles something,
"what was that sorry?" the guy said holding his hand up to his ear
"yrum.. yeah ok" the old man says, slured as he takes a sip of his coffee.
"do you know if its warm or anything?" the guy says trying to be friendly
the old man mumbles again.
"what was that?"
"hhrm , lukewarm" the man works out of the old mans slured sentance.
so he climbs up the ladder to the diving board, rubs his hands togeather, runs, jumps and dives into the pool. when he hits the water, he finds the water is frezzing cold, it was sooo cold it was this big --> [===] , but he quickly swims out of the pool, he shivers over to the old man, arms crossed trying to keep warm, as his teeth chatter, and says to him "i thought you said it was luke warm!?!"
the old man mumbles again
"what?" the guy says rather angrly now.
"i said it looks warm to me!"
[/very lame joke]
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and
shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and
the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible huckers,
and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts
wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her
gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a
light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a
hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise
there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Miste all chucking frighty!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her
Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly
isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a
fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that
fugly ucker over there" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud
had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly
isters without success. Their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack
in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a
hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince lived his
life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Separate names with a comma.