Joke thread

Discussion in 'The Clubhouse Bar' started by edinburgh_gunner, Mar 30, 2005.

  1. Black|Raven

    Black|Raven Guest

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  3. umosay

    umosay Guest

  4. Gay-Guy

    Gay-Guy Guest

    Yours was good BlackRaven. Well thought out!
  5. Black|Raven

    Black|Raven Guest

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
    So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
    He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
    The computer then prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer

    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!

    Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart [​IMG]
  6. Black|Raven

    Black|Raven Guest

    Larry gets home late one night, and his wife Linda says, where in the hell have you been?"
    He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
    "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
    "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
    "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?"
    "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I Like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand, and Last, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home And blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
  7. Ahh yes, that was an old Ronnie Barker one - that went round in an e-mither at my school.
  8. Dumbo

    Dumbo Guest

    I was asked to run a marathon and I said "Screw off"
    They said " Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids"

    Then I thought .....F%^k, I could win this thing.....
  9. wigan_rlfc

    wigan_rlfc Guest

  10. el_tk

    el_tk Guest

    From my Maths teacher:

    What do you a call a parrot that's just flown out the window?


    I'm very, very, very sorry. But I couldn't resist and I'd do it again in a second.
  11. Black|Raven

    Black|Raven Guest

    Young lad gets a job in a chemist shop. A lady comes in and asks for a box of tampons. The lad being really shy runs into the back of the shop and asks one of the female assistants to serve the lady. The female assistant returns to the lad and tells him "this is the sort of thing you will have to get used to if you want to continue working here." The next month the same lady comes into the shop and asks "can I have a box of tampons please". The young lad overcomes his shyness and serves the lady. This goes on and after a few months the lad becomes more confident. One month the lady comes in, this time she asks for a packet of cotton wool. The young lad rather surprised at this request quick replies "have you started rolling your own?"


    Ok I dont know if any of you have heard this joke or if it has been modified but its pretty old and my cousins in Tonga Told it to me when I was about 14.

    On one of the pacific islands there was a magic mountain.Anyone who jumped off this mountain and screamed out a wish or word it would come true.

    One day a Maori,Samoan,Fijian,and Tongan all went up too the mountain to make a wish come true.

    1st up was the Maori jumped off and shouted ",I want to become an ALL BLACK." Second up was the Samoan,it didnt take long for him to jump and when he did he shouted ",I wish for enough Money to live comfortably for the rest of my Life."

    Next up was the Fijian.The Fijian stood for a very long time.After 30 mins of waiting The Tongan said ",Hey Tama can you hurry up and jump all I want is some Sipi to eat let me jump if your gona take so Long."

    The Fijian ignored him,and even after continuos verbal abuse the Fijian just kept standing there thinking.

    After an Hour the Tongan got tired of waiting and he pushed the FIjian off.The FIjian managed the grab on the ledge yelling telling the Tongan to wait and how he was a lazy *******.

    The Tongan Through him off and on his way down the Fijian Yelled **** and ended up Landing in ****.

    The Tongan Left Home with his Sipi.

    Reporter and the Chief

    Reporter Gale Rivers visited one of the Indian tribes recently to do some research on the tribes meaning and traditions.One thing that always puzzled Rivers was the feathers the Indians would wear.

    Rivers asked one of the tribes man with one feather",WHat does the feather mean?" He replied",I have one wife and am Only allowed 1 Wife.

    Moving on she asked a tribes man with 2 feathers,and then 3,and then 4,and then 5,All meaning how many Wifes they had.

    She then went to the Chief and Said,"thats alot of feathers you have there what does it stand for?" The Chief said,"this tribe is mine and it means I F*** them ALL".

    Maby Lame to most of you lol but i thought id share them,I remember laughing my head off when my cousin told me them.

    Have all of you heard the Carlos spencer and God JOKE,ill elaborate on that,God and his 3 chairs,4 ALL BlACKS and Spencer.


    LOL GAY GUYS Sandwich JOke and Chiros Egg Joke are the best ive read so far,its kept me and my bro laughing pretty hard LOL,and every time of think of the Jokes I laugh some more.
  14. Black|Raven

    Black|Raven Guest

    There is a boy that just get´s his drivers license on his 16th birthday, so he asks his dad "Dad will you buy me a car?".
    The father replies "Can your d!ck touch your ass son?" He says no "then there's your answer". The son tries again on his 17th. Again the father asks "Can your d!ck touch your ass?" Again the son says no and the father replies "there's your answer".
    Finally on his 18th birthday he goes into a local store buys a scratchie and wins a millon dollars. His father rushes to him after he heard the news and asks him "SON....surely you're going to share that million......right?", his son replies "Dad.....does you d!ck touch your ass?" his father remembering his quote smiles and says "YES son of course it does!" to which the son says "THEN GO F!@CK YOURSELF!"
  15. aight got dis on msn from dis dunners chick..its crak up yo

    sammyjoon says:
    dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and
    emptying them into his truck. He gets to one house where the
    bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the
    back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

    There's no answer so he knocks again.

    Eventually a Japanese guy answers... "Harro", he says

    sammyjoon says:
    dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and
    emptying them into his truck. He gets to one house where the
    bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the
    back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

    There's no answer so he knocks again.

    Eventually a Japanese guy answers... "Harro", he says

    sammyjoon says:
    sammyjoon says:
    "Hey mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

    "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

    Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and
    says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

    "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man.

    sammyjoon says:
    "Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me...where's your
    Wheely Bin?"

    "OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having ****."
  16. wigan_rlfc

    wigan_rlfc Guest

    Nice one Chiro.


  18. Black|Raven

    Black|Raven Guest

    Men, lovely men

    Him: “Shall we try swapping positions tonight, Dear?â€
    Her: “That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.â€

    Him: “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?â€
    Her: “Turn sideways and look in the mirror.â€

    Him: “Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?â€
    Her: “I would but you’re never there.â€

    Why are blonde jokes so short?
    So men can remember them.

    How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    No-one knows, it has never happened.

    Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.

    What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
    A widow.

    Why are married women heavier than single women?
    Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed, then go to the fridge.

    What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
    They’re all married.

    Man: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?â€
    God: “So you would love her.â€
    Man: “But, God, why did youake her so dumb?â€
    God: “So she would love you.â€
  19. i always thought you were gay black raven.
  20. Black|Raven

    Black|Raven Guest

    i know you want me samBAD!
  21. kinkon89

    kinkon89 Guest

    LMAO!!! ROFL!!!


    i got nothing to ill just continue laughing [​IMG]
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