Joke thread

Discussion in 'The Clubhouse Bar' started by edinburgh_gunner, Mar 30, 2005.

  1. Pinched this idea from a football game forum i modded on till we got skint.... Post your jokes here!
    I'll start:

    Police arrested two boys today. One was drinking battery acid and the other eating fireworks. The police charged one and let the other one off.

    A scotsmand and his daughter are driving along a country lane one afternoon when they feel a thump. The daughter turns to her dad and asks ' daddy, what was that?' The scotsman replies 'it was a fox, it ran out right in front of me, i couldnt miss it sorry'. So they're driving along the road and there's another thump on the car. The daughter asks again what the thump was, and this time the father tells her that it was a dog, and that he couldn't miss it. They're driving along and there's two thumps. The daughter asks 'what was that?' and her dad replies 'it was an englishman, i couldn't avoid him' and the daughter asks why there were two thumps. He dad replies 'I had to mount the kerb to hit the b*astard'.

    What's the difference between a scouser and batman?
    Batman can go out at night without robin.

    hohohoho, i crack myself up i do!
     
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  3. kaftka

    kaftka Guest

    [​IMG] *slaps edinburgh gunner in the face*

    [​IMG]

    Theres been about 5 of these topics.

    Ummm. I don't have a joke,

    Ummm. Whats the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of dead babies?

    You can't pitchfork sand....


    right.
     
  4. Bullitt

    Bullitt Guest

    Whats black, bubbles and taps on glass?

    A baby in a microwave...
     
  5. kaftka

    kaftka Guest

    Whats fat and red and pink all over?

    A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.
     
  6. Bullitt

    Bullitt Guest

    whats more disturbing than a dead baby on a room floor?

    A dead baby on 6 room floors.
     
  7. kaftka

    kaftka Guest

    Brilliant!

    I can't remember anymore. You win.
     
  8. Bullitt

    Bullitt Guest

    One more for luck! [​IMG]

    Whats blue and thrashes around on the floor?

    A baby playing with a plastic bag.
     
  9. ninjapirate

    ninjapirate Guest

    whats the difference between a trashcan full of dead babies and a porsche?

    i dont have a porsche in my garage
     
  10. woodie

    woodie Guest

    How do Mexicans keep warm?

    They use Chickens fajitas
     
  11. ninjapirate

    ninjapirate Guest

    oh, now we're getting racist. making fun of dead babies is okay, but mexicans is just out of hand, ya limey. [​IMG]
     
  12. Gay-Guy

    Gay-Guy Guest

    You've all heard this one in many versions but everytime I think about it I find myself cracking up. Especially when it is told with the broken English. In fact we did a play on it at a church meeting.

    3 prisoners were on the run after escaping. A Tongan, a Maori, and a Samoan. One of them suggests that they hide in a barn. When they get in the barn they jump into a sack each and lay still.

    The prison wardens turn up and one of them decides to search the sacks. He goes up to the first one and kicks it.

    "Meeeooow" says the Tongan.
    "Well nobody in here" notes the warden. He kicks the second sack.
    "Woof woof" says the Maori.
    "Sorry boy" says the warden. He kicks the final sack.
    "Potatoes" replied the Samoan.
     
  13. to this, lol

    to the others: neow neow neoweow (bad pun sound effect)
     
  14. Bullitt

    Bullitt Guest

    Whats green and lays still on the floor?

    The baby that was playing with the plastic bag last night.
     
  15. Yeah, heard that plenty of times. Except over here it uses an Englishman, a Scotsman and and Irishman [​IMG]
     
  16. ohh these babie jokes are terrible...TAXI!
     
  17. I apologise for this one in advance. I didn't come up with it...........


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Three men, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an Albanian were all speaking to God on the edge of a towering cliff. "Right Gents", says God, "I want you each to think of something your country can afford to get rid of, and then throw some of it off this building. It will act as a symbolic gesture on your country's behalf, and lead to the world becoming a better place.

    Firstly the Frenchman steps up. "My country has much wine at its disposal, I sacrifice some of this for the good of the world." And with that he throws off a bottle of wine.

    Next, up steps the Albanian. "My country does not have much, but I will spare these crops for the good of the world." And with that he throws a cluster of crops into the abyss.

    Finally, up steps the Englishman. "Well I know what my country has far too many of" he says, and promptly throws the Albanian off the cliff.
     
  18. Bullitt

    Bullitt Guest

    How do you fit 10 babies into a soup dish?

    A blender.


    How do you get them out again?

    Doritos
     
  19. ninjapirate

    ninjapirate Guest

    haha yeahh, thats a good one ^^^^
     
  20. Black|Raven

    Black|Raven Guest

    whats 9inch LONG and makes women scream in the morning????

    SIDS
     
  21. wigan_rlfc

    wigan_rlfc Guest

    There is an Englishman, a Scotish man, a German and a Jew on a small plane. All of a sudden the captain says "We have lost all engine power, there are only 2 parachutes on board, one for me and a spare one". The pilot then jumps out and opens his parachute. The Scotsman turns to the rest and says "How are we going to sort this one out?". A wave of national pride comes over the Englishman and he says "for what I do now I do for my country" he then leaps out of the plain and falls to his death. The Scotsman thinks "eh, thats brave" so he says, "For what I do now I do for my country" he then leaps out of the plane to his death. The German then stands up and says "For Vat I do now I do for mein Country" He then throws the Jew out of the plane and takes the parachute for himself.
     
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